My Immortal
by TheBeautifulNerd
Summary: On December 25th 2014, Ethan Hardy committed suicide. Ever since then Lily has hated Christmas and when she starts investigating the cause of the suicide, she realises that she could be to blame.
1. Miserable at Best

**I basically got this story idea this morning when I was on the bus to work. I had my iPod in and was listening to one of my favourite songs, "My Immortal" by Evanescence. It's an amazing but sad song so if you haven't listened to it, I order you to do so. Haha :) Anyway I know I have already written an Ethan death story and don't get me wrong, I adore Ethan. I mean, I want to marry him. This idea came to me though and I thought it would be interesting to try so enjoy :)**

Chapter One: Miserable at Best

 _Beep. Beep. Beep._

Lily slowly and wearily opened her eyes. She yawned and stretched as the blazing sun shone through her window. Usually, she was quite a morning person but lately she'd really been struggling to get out of bed. It was only her second day back at work as well after having some time off over Christmas as well. She'd booked the holiday so that she could spend the festive period with her family but it hadn't turned out that way. Instead, she'd spent it moping about at home. Now it was January the 7th and she realised how much time she had wasted doing that.

She groggily climbed out of bed and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before making her way into the bathroom attached to her room. She wasn't even going to shower. She'd just have one when she got home that evening. She let out a sigh of tiredness and gave her face a quick cleanse before brushing her teeth. Her mobile phone then began vibrating loudly from her room. She used to turn it off at night time, it was only a recent thing that she kept it on whilst she slept.

There was a text from Robyn.

 _Hope you're okay lovely. See you at work x_

Robyn had been brilliant since it happened. Everyone had really but Robyn especially. Lily smiled to herself and sat down at the edge of the bed, still wearing her 'Minnie Mouse' pyjamas, and quickly typed a text back to her.

 _Tired but okay. Thanks x_

She kept her scrubs in her locker at work so she quickly slipped on a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt and a red and black striped jumper. Ethan used to say that she looked like Dennis the Menace whenever she wore it. The memory brought a smile to her face. She took a nervous breath and tied her hair into a neat plait running down her back. She looked almost presentable. Quickly squirting herself with some perfume, she grabbed her bag and her phone and headed downstairs.

It got quite lonely living on her own, which was why she was glad she had such eccentric neighbours. There were the two gay guys downstairs who stayed up all night partying and then the old man upstairs who owned about twelve cats. Then there was the family next door to her who were completely gothic and pretended that they were vampires. They also had a baby who seemed to scream bloody murder constantly. As the baby cried and a cat meowed, Lily poured herself a quick glass of water. The only silence was from the guys downstairs who'd eventually fallen asleep from their all-night party.

She wasn't hungry. It was the third day in a row where she hadn't eaten breakfast. Yesterday, she'd almost passed out at work and Zoe had sat her down in the office with a bowl of Cheerio's. It was nice to know that she had people looking after her but she did also hate being the centre of attention. She tipped the remains of her water away and grabbed her set of keys from the kitchen table, remembering that she'd for some reason left them there last night. She then exited her flat and went outside to her moped.

* * *

"So, what is this?" Max asked, pulling a disgusted face at the cup he was holding. It was full of green liquid with bits in and he wasn't overly keen on drinking it. "It looks like something that Dylan's dog would chuck up."

"It's green juice," Robyn told her brother. "Cucumber, fresh kale, ginger, celery and green apples. It's great for dieting and weight loss."

"And you actually enjoy drinking this stuff?" Max asked, raising an eyebrow and handing the drink back to her. "Good luck," he scoffed.

Robyn shrugged and had a small sip. "It isn't the nicest I have to admit," she said. "But it is a whole lot better than drinking coke everyday." Max just nodded in agreement, although he didn't seem to agree. "Anyway, have you seen Cal this morning?"

Max shook his head. "Haven't seen him," he replied. "He might not even be in work today. You don't know. He wasn't in yesterday."

"Worst Christmas ever, huh?" Robyn sighed. "Out of all days, it had to be that day."

"Why'd you think he did it?" Max asked.

"I don't know," Robyn whispered quietly under her breath. "There could be a whole number of reasons that we didn't know about."

Max didn't say anything. The sound of a horn interrupted them and they both glanced across to see Lily arriving on her moped. Robyn smiled sympathetically and waved to her but Lily just parked up, removed her helmet and climbed off all in complete silence.

"Are you okay Lily?" Robyn asked, as she made her way over towards her and Max. Lily nodded and Robyn held her arms out and gave her a hug. "How'd you sleep?" She asked, referring to the text Lily had sent her that clearly said she was tired.

"Not great," Lily sighed. "But I was expecting that. I spent half of the night reading."

"Were you hoping that would bore you to sleep?" Max chuckled. "Reading does that to me."

"I need to go and change into my uniform now," Lily mentioned, thinking of an excuse to get away from Max. "Speak to you later Robyn."

Robyn nodded and Lily walked through the doors of the ED. A sick feeling was suddenly beginning to grow in the pit of her stomach though and she wasn't sure if it was nerves or the fact that she hadn't eaten anything yet. She decided to put it down to not eating and just carried on through to the locker rooms. It was empty, something that Lily liked. She often wanted peace and quiet before she started her shift, some alone time to compose herself and get herself together. Trying to remember her locker combination, she opened it up and stuffed her bag inside with great force. The lockers were small so she had to literally shove it right to the back along with her jacket. She then pulled her scrubs out and quickly changed into them before anyone else walked in.

Next to Lily's locker was Ethan's. It was locked but Lily knew his combination anyway. He'd once told her when he was in a rush and needed something grabbing. It was his birthday. Lily got up and put Ethan's birthday in, causing the locker to unlock and swing open. It was empty. Connie or Cal must have already sorted through it.

"Too soon," Lily whispered and shut the door with a small sigh.

"What are you doing?" A voice asked from behind her and she turned to see Charlie standing there. "Connie's already done that."

"I know," Lily answered quietly and shrugged her shoulders. "I was just checking."

"How did you sleep?" He asked the exact same question as Robyn did.

Lily just rolled her eyes, wanting to hear something different for once. "I didn't," she replied. "Well, I did for the last hour. Until then I just sat and read my book."

"Are you okay to work?" He nodded at her.

Lily nodded back. "Yeah," she whispered. "Fine." A single tear trickled down her left cheek but she quickly wiped it away so that Charlie wouldn't see. "Sorry. I um...I thought I'd be okay today," she apologised with a fake smile when she noticed him staring. She sniffed and immediately hung her head.

He gave her a comforting smile and said, "don't be sorry. Have you got your chat with Connie today?"

"Yeah." Lily nodded. "I was meant to have it yesterday but I um...I went home early, didn't I?"

Connie had been having private one to one chats with all of the staff. Zoe was the one who had suggested it, after everything that had happened with Ethan. Every colleague had a time slot where they'd just sit in the office speaking to Connie and Zoe about anything that they wanted to get off their chest. As Zoe had said, she and Connie were there to help if anyone wanted it or felt that they needed it. Lily debated telling them about her nightmares but that would just show them how weak she really was.

"What time is your appointment?" Charlie asked.

"Eleven o'clock," Lily told him. "Straight after Cal's."

"Yes well I've spoken to Connie and Zoe and Cal isn't coming into work today," Charlie informed her. "Whether they'll move your appointment forward, I'm not really sure."

"Is he not?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow. "He didn't come in yesterday either."

"He's struggling a bit," Charlie sighed heavily. "But who can blame him? Do you want me to ask if you can take Cal's slot, or can you wait until eleven?"

Lily glanced up at the clock and saw that it was ten past nine. "I can wait until eleven," she said quietly, not wanting to kick up a fuss.

"Oh and by the way," Charlie said before he left the room. "I think Zoe might have something lined up for breakfast for you. Just in case."

Lily nodded. "Thanks Charlie," she thanked him.

"We're here for you Lily," he said and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry about me," Lily said, smiling weakly at him. "I just need to make it through the day."

"Just don't forget that appointment," Charlie said and walked out of the room.

Lily sighed and took some time to compose herself before leaving. She debated on going to Connie's office to see if they were waiting for her. She may have told Charlie that she could wait until eleven, but she half wanted to get the appointment out of the way. It seemed that they were. When Lily walked in, she saw a bowl of cereal on the table and Connie and Zoe sitting either side.

"I was just coming to find you," Connie said, glancing at the time on her mobile.

"Um...Charlie said that Cal wasn't in..." Lily said and shrugged her shoulders. "Thought I'd come and see if you were ready for me yet."

"We're always ready for you Lily," Connie said with a smile. "Breakfast is ready. Take a seat."

"I'm not hungry," Lily said, sitting down and pushing the bowl away. "Thanks though."

She felt like she was back at school. The table was small and round and she sat in the middle with Connie and Zoe either side of her.

"Come on, you have to eat something," Connie said. "What have you eaten today?" Lily shrugged her shoulders."Didn't think so," Connie said and pushed the bowl towards her.

"It's very kind of you but I don't have much of an appetite," Lily said.

"We're only looking out for you, Lily," Zoe said.

Lily looked between them and bit her lip. "Has something happened?" She asked.

"What?" Connie asked. "No, of course not! We just want to make sure that you're okay. You and Ethan were good friends and..."

"I know," Lily cut her off and hung her head. "I don't need reminding."

"Right." Zoe nodded. "Course you don't. Just humour us and eat breakfast though. We don't want a repeat of yesterday." Lily just faintly nodded, looking down at the floor. "Are you okay?" Zoe asked.

"What's wrong?" Connie questioned and rubbed her shoulder.

And in seconds, Lily just burst into tears and broke down crying.

 **So here are a few of my own characters that are going to be in the** **story. Seven year old Luka, Ethan's dad Keith Hardy, Jack Warmington and Megs is going to make another appearance! I love her too much so I'm bringing her back :)**


	2. Downtown

**LillyMayFlower: Thanks so much. I always feel that way about your stories :)**

 **GypsyAbby: Haha thank you. I do enjoy slow paced stories, they make them far more interesting. Sorry to hear everyone is killing Ethan off :)**

 **ETWentHome: Thank you :)**

 **Tanith Panic: Yeah I always try to add a tiny bit of humour in my stories :)**

 **CBloom2: Thanks. More to come :)**

 **CasualtyFanForever81: Glad you like it :)**

 **Tato Potato: Thank you. It took me ages to write :)**

Chapter Two: Downtown

Lily loved train rides. She'd enjoyed them ever since she was a little girl. Every Saturday, her dad would take her somewhere and it was always on a train. He'd make sure that Lily was sat by the window so that she could see out and watch everything that went on. The day Lily thought that she'd break down at work was the day that she thought pigs would fly, it wasn't going to happen. Unfortunately for her though, her emotions got the better of her and now after being sent home from work early, she was on the train to Oxford.

"Hey. Is anybody sitting here?" Someone asked her. The train was full and the only available space was beside Lily, causing her to be paranoid about whether she smelt funny or not.

She shook her head and smiled at the stranger. "No," she whispered.

"Thanks," the guy thanked her and sat down. "Who died?" He chuckled.

She whipped her head around from the window to look at him. "What?" He asked.

"Well, you look as if you've lost a pound and found a penny," he said, chuckling again.

"My friend actually," Lily sighed heavily. "Best friend. Committed suicide at Christmas."

"Sorry," he apologised, "I'm Tim by the way."

"I don't give my name to strangers," Lily said and turned her head away from him again.

"Where are you heading?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Do you give that information to strangers?" He then joked.

"Oxford actually," Lily said. "My friend is in a psychiatric hospital there. Freaked out yet? Best friend has died? Other friend is in a psychiatric hospital?" She looked back to the seat and saw that he had moved and was walking down the train aisle. "I thought so," Lily whispered and got back to looking out of the window.

Seeing Megs always cheered her up but it wasn't easy to visit her.

* * *

"How have you been Lils?" Megs asked, preparing a cigarette and taking a quick drag of it. "Haven't heard from you much." Lily shrugged her shoulders and noticed Megs glance up at the clock. "Day off work?"

She shook her head and whispered, "I got sent home."

"Sorry," Megs sighed. "Must be tough, huh?" Lily faintly nodded. "Stay strong chicken. You're doing well."

"How do you cope in here?" Lily whispered. "It's horrible."

"I don't," Megs admitted to her and gave her shoulder a rub. The smoke wafted in front of Lily's face. "But I don't let anyone see that. It's the best thing to do." Lily nodded her head and allowed Megs to stroke her hair. "You and Ethan would have made a cute couple."

"Would we?" Lily asked quietly, looking up at her from the chair that she was sitting in.

"Trust me," Megs said. "I'm good with romance. I know how much you liked him."

"Why did he do it?" Lily asked and shook her head. "He...He was always so happy. He had his whole life ahead of him and he...He killed himself."

"People can be surprising," Megs said. "Look at me. You wouldn't think I had a problem, would you?" She laughed and Lily shook her head, laughing with her. "You crazy mare," Megs said. "You need to visit me more often. It gets so boring here."

"Oxford isn't exactly the easiest place to get to," Lily said. "I wasn't even planning on coming this evening. You always cheer me up though, somehow."

"Because I'm special like that," Megs said and kissed her on the cheek. "What about Ethan's brother?"

"Cal?" Lily questioned. "No idea. He's not been at work. Charlie told me he's just struggling but I...I don't know what's going on with him. I barely know what's going on with me."

"Hey. I get day passes," Megs told her. "How about next time I get one, we um...We take a trip to the beach and visit Ethan's grave. Would you like that? Beats going alone."

"I'd love that," Lily said. "Thank you."

"So, what else have you been doing with your life?" Megs asked. "Apart from work. You dedicate your whole life to work."

"I'm writing a book actually," Lily said.

"A book?" Megs looked quite shocked and impressed. "Well well Miss Chao. Can I read it?" Lily giggled and shook her head. "Well, what's it about?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders, not wanting to give too much away. "Loss of a loved one," she whispered.

"Sounds pretty familiar to me," Megs said and rubbed her shoulder.

"Yeah," Lily sighed. "Well, it's relatable to a lot of people."

"Well as your best mate, I insist on reading it," Megs said.

"It's not any good," Lily told her.

Megs laughed. "If it's written by Lily Chao, I highly doubt it can be classed as 'not any good."

"You'll say anything to get your own way," Lily mentioned.

"Of course." Megs grinned.

"You're the crazy one," Lily giggled, shaking her head.

"Everyone is at least a little bit crazy," Megs pointed out. Lily chuckled a little bit and looked down at the floor. "You miss him a lot," Megs said. "I can tell."

Lily nodded faintly. "More than anything," she whispered quietly under her breath. "You...You don't know what it's like Megs. I...I don't know if I can cope anymore, everyone keeps saying how strong I am but I really don't feel like it."

"It'll be okay," Megs comforted. "And remember, you can always talk to me."

"Thanks Megs," Lily thanked her. "I can always count on you." She stood up and embraced Megs in a hug, crying softly and quietly into her shoulder.

 **You'll see what's going on with Cal in the next chapter and there'll be a bit more at work :)**


	3. Tonight I'm Gonna Cry

**ETWentHome: Haha Megs saves the day. I thought so, I think Lily would make a good writer. Lots of Cal in this one :)**

 **CBloom2: You'll see how Cal is in this chapter :)**

 **Tanith Panic: Haha, I introduced Megs into one of my novels and then thought I'd write her into my fanfics as well :)**

 **GypsyAbby: I loved writing that scene, I could just picture it. Yeah, I know most people think depression is just sadness all the time but it really isn't. Thanks for your review :)**

Chapter Three: Tonight I'm Gonna Cry

Lily got home from Oxford at around six o'clock. It was starting to get dark already but there was one thing that Lily had to do before she went home to her own place, she had to check on Cal and see what was going on with him. No one had heard much from him since Ethan had died and a lot of people were leaving it like that. No one wanted to contact him, in fear of bothering him when he wanted to be alone. Lily felt that checking on him was important though. She got a taxi from the train station to Cal and Ethan's place and paid the driver before heading up to the door and knocking on it lightly.

"Coming!" Cal's voice bellowed from inside and within seconds, he threw the door open. "What?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"Are you drunk?" Lily questioned him.

"No," Cal scoffed.

"If you weren't, you'd remember who I was," Lily said and pushed past him into the hallway.

"I remember you," he slurred, toppling as he slammed the door shut. "Lola?"

"Lily," Lily corrected him with a sigh. She rolled her eyes and made her way into the living room, spotting the twelve empty wine bottles by the sofa. "Caleb," she muttered under her breath and shook her head. "Do you think this helps?" She snapped. "Drinking your life away instead of going into work?"

"What are you even doing here?" Cal asked. "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"It's quarter to seven," Lily reminded him and Cal glanced up at the clock, realising that she was in fact right. "And FYI, I was sent home early. At least I went in though. I wasn't drowning myself in vodka."

"I had a headache," Cal told her.

Lily raised her eyebrows and made her way into the downstairs bathroom. It was weird being in Ethan's house, the place where he'd actually committed suicide. Lily wondered why Cal hadn't moved, there were so many memories wafting throughout the place.

She stepped into the bathroom and stood like a statue in the doorway. She gulped nervously and looked the tiny room up and down, when Cal came to stand at her side. He had another bottle of wine in his hand but Lily didn't even scold.

"I don't even use this room anymore," Cal whispered, sniffing as if he was trying hard not to cry. "I go upstairs instead."

"This is where he did it," Lily stated and walked over to the sink. Ethan had been found passed out with an empty pot of pills right next to it. It was upsetting to stand where he had died, but also quite comforting. "Why do you think he killed himself Cal?"

Cal shrugged his shoulders. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, he must have had a reason," Lily said. "People don't just go and top themselves for no reason. He always seemed okay, never seemed like he had a problem or anything. Why didn't he talk to anyone?"

"You're not a detective," Cal slurred, taking a long sip from the bottle. "Just go home, sleep and leave me alone."

"Do you really think I'm going to leave you alone when you're in this state?" Lily asked him. "I...I'm just curious. Ethan had everything; a good job, a place to live, girls drooling all over him."

"Yes but he was also twenty eight without a girlfriend," Cal practically yelled. "And he had a hard childhood."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, suddenly interested.

"Lily, please go home," Cal begged.

"No. What do you mean he had a hard childhood?" Lily asked.

"Well..." Cal shrugged his shoulders and had another sip of his drink. "Mum had been ill on and off for a very long time, his dad hated him, I was always arguing with him, he was bullied at school."

"Do you think you could be to blame?"

"No." Cal shook his head. "We argued yes, but I wasn't the reason he topped himself."

"His dad?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "Do you have his address?"

"Why?" Cal asked but Lily just glared at him. "Fine," he sighed. "Keith Hardy. 102 Baker Street. He isn't the most nicest of people though so good luck getting anything out of him."

"Does he even know that his own son is dead?" Lily asked. "Was he at the funeral?"

Cal shrugged his shoulders. "Who knows?" Cal asked wearily. "In all honesty Lily, even if he did know he still wouldn't have been at the funeral. He's just that sort of man."

"Funny," Lily said, walking back towards him. "I'm not even sure whether to believe you, the stench that is coming off of you right now."

"I'm not drunk," Cal denied.

"Get some sleep Caleb," Lily told him. "I'll sleep on the sofa."

"You don't have to watch me," Cal said. "I'm fine. I'm not going to kill myself like Ethan."

"I didn't think you were going to," Lily pointed out. "Until you said that. You're drunk Cal and I don't want you drinking anymore, hence why I'm sleeping on the sofa." She held her hand out to him and he sighed, angrily handing over the wine bottle. "Thanks," Lily thanked him and chucked it into the bin in the kitchen before setting herself up on the sofa. Cal shook his head and rolled his eyes before making his way to his own room.

* * *

Lily couldn't sleep. She'd been struggling so much lately. Even if she did sleep, she woke up screaming because of a nightmare and she didn't want that to happen in front of Cal. She sighed heavily as she lay on the sofa fiddling with a razor that she kept in her pocket for emergencies. She could still smell the wine from earlier and she hated the fact that Cal had diverted to drinking. She sniffed and wiped a tear away from her eye and glanced across at a picture of Cal and Ethan during their childhood, laughing and building sandcastles on the beach.

The clock struck two o'clock in the morning and Lily took out her mobile phone. There was a goodnight text from Megs, sent about two hours ago. Lily chewed on her lip and sent a late reply to her.

 _Going to find out why Ethan killed himself - L xxx_


	4. Dance With My Father

**TheAtomicCheesepuff: Aww thanks so much, that's lovely of you :)**

 **Tanith Panic: More to come :)**

 **CBloom2: He does, there will be lots more of Cal :)**

 **ETWentHome: He probably would. He was a mess during Born Lucky bless him. Yeah Lily is sweet :)**

 **GypsyAbby: Yeah maybe they do. Lily will be going on a hunt to find out why haha :)**

Chapter Four: Dance With My Father

Lily wasn't planning on going to work the next day. Cal had apparently been told to take it easy and stay at home if he needed to. Lily checked that every single alcohol bottle was either locked away or chucked in the bin before she went away on her travels. If she was heading out for the day, she had to make sure that he wasn't going to drink himself silly.

"I didn't think you were going to work," he grumbled, as he watched her pack a load of stuff into her bag.

"I'm not," Lily told him. "I'm going to go and find Ethan's dad and talk to him."

"You're crazy," Cal scoffed.

"Don't say that," Lily said, popping a couple of her antidepressants into her mouth. "And you can't say anything, okay? When I phoned Connie, she told me to take a day of rest. Heading out to talk to Ethan's dad is barely resting, is it?"

"I won't say anything," Cal yawned. "I swear. You've actually helped me a lot, I appreciate that."

"Are you going to be okay?" Lily asked, putting her backpack on. Cal hid a smile and nodded at her. "Good," she said. "I won't be away all day." Cal decided not to push the topic further and just let Lily go.

Lily felt quite nervous. She'd never met Ethan's dad before and from what she'd heard, he wasn't an overly nice man. She followed the directions towards the address that Cal had given her and immediately, wanted to turn back. The house was small with smashed windows and bags of rubbish outside. It didn't look homely or welcoming at all. She took a deep breath, double checked that the address was right and walked up to the front door to knock.

"Okay! I'm coming!" A man's voice bellowed and the door was thrust open. He was tall with no hair. He wore a white vest top and was covered in tattoos, in one hand he held a bottle of beer and between his teeth, he held a cigarette. "Who are you?" He asked, eyeing Lily up and down.

"Mr Hardy?" Lily said politely. "I um...I think I might have known your son. Can I come in?"

* * *

Lily couldn't believe how much of a state the house was in. She walked around the small, messy living room and glanced at all of the old photographs and small ornaments. There was one of two boys, which Lily guessed was probably Cal and Ethan. Next to that was an ornament of a cat with only three paws and no tail. Lily wondered why on earth he kept broken ornaments in the house.

"I um...I'm afraid I don't make tea," Keith said, walking into the living room. "So I don't own any teabags. I have um...Water or Beer?"

"Water's fine," Lily whispered. "Thank you."

He nodded and handed her a glass. The glass looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks and the water had turned a horrible brown colour. Lily politely pretended to take a sip but then set the full glass down on the little table by the fireplace.

"So you're Ethan's dad?" Lily asked.

"That's right," Keith replied in a gruff voice. "You said you know my son?"

"Knew," Lily quietly corrected him. "We worked together. He um...Unfortunately, Ethan...He...He passed away."

"Well, no one told me," he said and shrugged his shoulders. "How?"

"Overdose," Lily answered, holding back her tears. "I thought you should know, being his father and all. I have to say you don't seem overly upset, seeing as your own son has just died."

He scoffed and sat down in the armchair opposite the TV.

"Were you and Ethan close?" Lily asked him. "He never spoke about you that much. He mainly ever spoke about his mum."

"Ethan was always a weird lad," Keith told her. "He didn't have any friends, hated sports of any kind. He just sat up in his room reading and he had this strange fear of dogs. Never did get the boy."

"Why didn't he have any friends?" Lily asked.

"He got bullied at school," Keith sighed. "He was way too into school work and exams, no wonder he got bullied."

"Do you think maybe Ethan felt like he was bullied at home as well?" Lily questioned. "If you and him never really got along?"

"Doubt it," the man scoffed and shook his head. "I just always got on better with Cal. Me and him, we had a laugh. We loved football and fishing. Cal was never my kid but I always found it better to bond and connect with him."

"Maybe he did," Lily said. "Maybe Ethan felt lost and out of place at home, if you preferred to hang out with Cal."

"Cal never knew his dad," Keith said. "And like I said, he was loads better to bond with. We had a lot in common."

"Do you think that this troubled childhood caused Ethan to kill himself?" Lily asked.

"Are you accusing me?" Keith said, standing up and pointing to himself. "Because I was not the reason that Ethan killed himself. How about those bullies at school? Have you talked to them?"

"No actually," Lily said impatiently through gritted teeth. "And I wasn't accusing you of anything."

"You better not be," Keith threatened. "And so what if I never hung out with my own son? He didn't mind, he would have said something."

"Hasn't Ethan always been sort of quiet though?" Lily mentioned. "Maybe he was scared to say something."

"I'm sure he was fine, I just found Cal easier to connect with," he repeated. "I never hung out with Luka either, he was just as weird as his brother."

"Luka?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow. "Ethan had a younger brother?"

 **Ooooo cliffhanger moment! Hope you enjoyed the chapter :)**


	5. Luka

**Tanith Panic: Me too, it's a lovely name :)**

 **CBloom2: More to come about Luka :)**

 **Teeloganroryflan: Haha I love a good plot twist :)**

 **CasualtyFanForever81: Haha I hate reading them. It's totally different when I'm writing though :)**

 **ETWentHome: Haha yeah we don't know much about Ethan's family. I decided that it was time to fix that. Glad you're enjoying the story :)**

 **LillyMayFlower: Yeah that was how I pictured him in my head for some reason :)**

 **GypsyAbby: Yeah and that would have been interesting with him hurting Lily. I'm sure we'll see more of Keith. You'll be seeing more of Cal soon as well :)**

Chapter Five: Luka

Lily stood outside of 'Sunnyside Children's Home' and took a nervous breath. How the hell was she supposed to just walk in there and start questioning a seven year old on the death of his brother? Well, she wasn't going to go into that much detail. She shook her head at how stupid she was being and knocked lightly on the big, red door. It was a few minutes until a woman with ginger hair opened it. She looked like the sort of woman who if Lily was in a children's home growing up, she wouldn't mind her looking after her.

"Can I help you?" She asked in a comforting voice.

"I um...My name is Lily Chao," Lily said. She thought that it was best if she introduced herself first. "I'm here to see Luka. I worked with his brother."

"Oh, come on in," she said and allowed Lily to step inside. "My name is Sophie. The children are just having some free time. Luka is probably in his usual spot in front of the TV."

Lily glanced towards the glass window and noticed a group of kids playing football in the garden. He sounded a lot like Ethan already, the sort of kid that Keith detested.

"Does he not like football?" Lily laughed.

"He's just very shy," Sophie said. "Tends to be on his own quite a bit, especially since we found out the news about Ethan. We broke it to him gently, hoped that he'd understand. He's become quieter."

"Well, were him and Ethan very close?"

Sophie nodded her head. "Extremely," she sighed. "He came round quite a bit to see him. It always made Luka smile. Come on, I'll show you through."

Lily nodded, suddenly becoming rather scared. She followed Sophie through every single room of the orphanage, until they came to a living room. There was a table and a few chairs, a pool table, a shelf full of board games, a piano and then a sofa in front of a TV. On the sofa, sat a small boy with the remote control in his hands.

"Luka," Sophie said and walked over to kneel in front of him. "This is Lily. She's come to see you."

Luka glanced up at Lily out of the corner of his eye. He had curly, brown hair and brown eyes and he wore a pair of beige shorts, a red t-shirt and a black jacket. On his feet, he wore Spiderman trainers. Ethan would have approved of those.

"Do you want me to stay?" Sophie whispered to Lily.

Lily shook her head and Sophie gave her shoulder a rub before heading off to her office.

"Hi Luka," Lily greeted and sat down on the sofa next to the young boy. "You um...You don't know me but I...I knew your brother. Ethan."

"Did you kill him?" Luka asked, quite sinister like.

"No," Lily said in a surprise. "No. Ethan wasn't very happy so..."

"He killed himself," Luka said, making eye contact with her. "That's what Sophie told me. She thinks I'm too young to understand, but I'm not. Ethan was a good brother, even though he wasn't my real one."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"I was adopted as a baby," Luka said. "Mum and Dad told me when I was old enough to understand things."

"Mum and Dad as in Ethan's parents?" Lily asked and Luka nodded. "You didn't get on with his dad though, did you?"

Luka shrugged his shoulders. "He didn't like me, said I was weird. Mum only liked me when I was good. It was hard, being good all the time especially because I was never bad on purpose."

"Did she ever hurt you?" Lily asked quietly.

"Sometimes," Luka said, turning his attention back towards some superhero programme on TV. "She usually smacked my bottom, locked me in my room when I needed to be punished." He wiped his nose on the back of his hand. "She and Dad often forgot about me when I was in there though."

"That's horrible," Lily said. "Is...Is that why you're here?"

"I guess," he mumbled.

"Do you like it here?" Lily asked him.

"It's okay," he answered. "But I don't think the other kids like me much though. Amy's okay, she's fifteen and she looks after me. She'll be leaving soon though."

"So, why did they adopt you?" Lily asked. "If they hurt you?"

"I don't know," Luka said. "Cal and Ethan had left home. Maybe they missed having a child around. They were nice before but Mum's illness got really bad and Dad started drinking. I was probably about three when they started being mean to me."

Lily was shocked at how mature Luka acted for a seven year old.

"Did Ethan ever seem sad to you?" She asked.

"Sometimes," Luka said. "But he never told me why. He always put on an act when he visited."

"Did he babysit you when you lived at home?" Lily asked another question.

Luka nodded. "I think so," he said. "I can't remember. He never spoke about you. Were you his girlfriend?"

"No," Lily laughed. "Just a friend, and I worked with him. He was a good guy."

"I miss him," Luka said, making eye contact with Lily again.

"So do I," Lily sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Lots. I have to go soon, thanks for talking to me though. You're a cool little dude."

"Ethan used to call me that," Luka giggled. "Shame you have to go. I like you."

"I'll come and see you again, okay?" Lily said, giving his curls a ruffle. "I might even take you out for ice-cream, if Sophie will let me."

"I'd like that," Luka said. "Thanks Lily. You're really pretty by the way."

"I've been told," Lily said, raising her eyebrows. She never believed it when people said that to her.

"By Ethan?" Luka asked hopefully.

"Um...Yes actually," Lily said. "He did tell me a couple of times." And then she remembered the nice feeling that she got and how it made her feel when he had complimented her.

 **I hope you all enjoyed that chapter guys, let me know what you think :)**


	6. All By Myself

**ETWentHome: He is. I thought that I'd make him quite a confident little lad haha :)**

 **CasualtyFanForever81: Will try to, haven't had many ideas :)**

 **GypsyAbby: Yeah, there will be more of Luka. I think talking about Ethan was good for them both as well. Good idea with Cal talking to him as well :)**

 **Tanith Panic: It is :)**

 **Guest: Thank you :)**

 **Tato Potato: Haha, he does. No problem, glad you enjoyed them :)**

Chapter Six: All By Myself

"How come you and Ethan never mentioned Luka?" Lily questioned Cal, as the two of them walked to work together the next morning. Lily decided that she couldn't stay at home her entire life and she also decided that it was time to drag Cal into work as well. His drinking just seemed to be getting worst.

Cal shrugged his shoulders. "Because it wasn't important," he replied. "He's just a kid, a kid who went into care because Ethan's dad and our mum abused him."

"What was the point in adopting him if they were just going to crush his hopes and dreams?" Lily asked, rolling her eyes.

"Because they missed having a kid around," Cal snapped. "Mum's illness got worst though and Keith was...Well Keith."

"Is this a bad time to mention that you absolutely stink of alcohol?" Lily muttered under her breath and strolled on into the ED alone. Everyone was already there, crowding round the reception desk in silence. "What's going on?" Lily asked quietly, dropping her bag to the floor and walking over to the group.

"Morning," Zoe said, giving Lily's shoulder a rub before turning to Cal. "Good to see you back."

"Morning," Charlie greeted, giving them both a nod. "Now that everyone is here, we'll start. Now, we've all lost a dear friend and colleague. Ethan was a very special man, to all of us. I thought it might be nice if we have a one minute silent, to remember him."

Zoe walked back over to stand beside Connie and Lily sighed heavily, folding her arms across the reception desk in front of her. She glanced across at Cal who was being hugged and greeted by Robyn, Lofty and Max and she frowned.

"We all miss him," Charlie continued his speech. "And we'll never forget him. He was one of the best doctor's that this hospital had."

"Still is," Lily mumbled quietly.

"So as soon as the clock strikes nine, we'll start the minute silence."

Lily kept her eyes fixated on the clock. It struck nine and the entire ED fell silent. It felt like an entire hour, not a minute. Lily stood there with her eyes on the clock, fidgeting uncomfortably. She gulped nervously before bending down to pick up her bag and storming off and out of the ED. Connie saw her and patted Zoe on the arm to let her know where she was going before following Lily. Zoe nodded, feeling concerned for the junior doctor.

Connie found Lily standing outside near the ambulance bay, her hair flying in the wind, just staring straight ahead at nothing in particular.

"Lily," Connie said in a quiet and comforting voice.

"He's dead," Lily whispered. "I just can't believe it and..." She turned to face Connie, tears streaming down both sides of her face. "And one poxy minute isn't going to bring him back."

"I know sweetheart," Connie said, hanging her head.

"All I want to do is find out how he died," Lily sobbed. "Why he killed himself and even that is feeling impossible at the moment. I just thought that he was happy."

"Depression is what is called a silent illness," Connie said and walked over to her. "No one realises that the person is hurting inside. Maybe you should talk to someone."

"Why?" Lily asked.

"Because Ethan never spoke to anyone," Connie said. "And because..." She trailed off.

"Because what?" Lily questioned, frowning at Connie.

"Because none of us...None of us want you to do the same thing that Ethan did," Connie finally said to her.

"Then help me," Lily begged. "Help me find out why he did it."

"Lily. This isn't healthy," Connie said. "You don't just want to find out what happened, you're obsessing over it."

"I don't care," Lily cried. "He was my best friend and I let him down."

Connie sighed. "Please speak to someone."

Connie heard the sound of heels then and she turned round to see Zoe standing in the entrance of the ED. "Is everything okay?" Zoe asked, with her arms folded across her chest.

"Lily and I were just having a little chat," Connie said, standing up straight and placing a hand on Lily's shoulder.

"And I think we're done," Lily whispered, wiping the remains of her tears away.

"Just think about what I said," Connie whispered back to her with a nod. "Come on. Take a break and then you can start work, all right?" Lily faintly nodded before walking back into the ED, glad that the one minute silence was over. No one spoke to her so she assumed that Zoe had talked to them before making her way outside. She noticed something though, and that was that Cal was missing.

"Lofty," Lily said, walking over to the nurse. "Where is Caleb?"

"Staff room, I think," Lofty answered.

Lily nodded thankfully at him and walked off to the staff room. Cal was lying on the sofa, a half drunk bottle of vodka on the coffee table in front of him. Lily sighed heavily and shook her head, soon realising that he'd drunk himself to sleep. Not wanting him to get into trouble with Connie, she picked up the bottle and chucked it in the trash before walking out and shutting the door behind her.

 **Small filler chapter before I go on holiday tomorrow. I'll try and update as much as I can when I return from holiday :)**


	7. Hold On

**CasualtyFanForever81: I had an awesome time thank you :)**

 **ETWentHome: Yeah I'm sure she will. I take my time with it because I want to make it realistic :)**

 **Tato Potato: Yeah bless him, more to see of Cal :)**

 **Tanith Panic: Yeah I agree. Thanks for saying how well portrayed it is :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: Yeah Cal doesn't seem to have many people around him. There will be more about Cal and Lily's feelings later on :)**

Chapter Seven: Hold On

"We need to do something about Lily," Connie said, storming into the meeting room and shutting the door behind her. "She is completely out of control."

"What's she doing?" Charlie asked her.

"Well, nothing bad," Connie sighed and folded her arms across her chest. "She's not getting angry or anything. She's just obsessed at finding out how Ethan died, trying to find out why he killed himself. And she's refusing to get help of any sort. She's not eating breakfast, Zoe and I have had to sort something for her numerous times."

"Cal's the same," Zoe sighed. "Minus he finding out how Ethan died and minus the not eating breakfast. He just keeps himself to himself and won't talk, and he's refusing to accept help."

"They need to talk to someone," Connie said.

"You need to realise that Lily isn't going to talk to anyone though. Cal probably will but Lily won't," Zoe said. "We've known her a lot longer than you Connie."

"Well..." Connie began, a thought suddenly coming into her head. "I think I have an idea."

* * *

Cal spent the rest of the morning n the staffroom. It was half past ten when he eventually woke up to the sound of the door opening and he saw Lily standing there. Groaning and rubbing at his eyes, he sat upright and held his sore head.

"Connie wants to speak to us," Lily whispered.

"Why us?" Cal scoffed.

"Not just us," Lily answered and handed him a bottle of water. "Everybody. She and Charlie have something they want to say."

"Bad timing," Cal said and rolled his eyes before shoving past Lily and exiting the room. Everybody else was already in reception and Cal had a de ja vu moment to when they had the one minute silence earlier that day. Lily followed and stood as far away from Cal as possible, really not wanting to be there.

"Now after having a small chat, Connie and I have come to a decision," Charlie said. "And she's going to talk to you about the counselling service that we have set up in the ED for those of you who may want a chat during work hours." Lily clenched her jaw and Charlie looked at them all in turn before continuing. "I know that some of you might think that you don't need counselling but at least listen to what Connie has to say about it. I really think that it could be truly beneficial for some of you."

Lily looked away and Connie walked up to Charlie. "Thank you, Charlie," she said. "Okay now some of you may just want a chat in work hours and this isn't formal or anything. We're not getting a professional therapist in. It'll just be me and Zoe, we're going to take some time to whoever wants it in the office."

Robyn slowly and shyly raised a hand. "Could I um...Make an appointment?"

"Of course," Zoe agreed. "Just let Connie and I know and we'll make you a time slot."

Robyn faintly nodded.

Lily looked across at Robyn and scoffed, "baby."

"Now Lily, we'll have none of that," Zoe said, realising how upset Robyn looked. "Thank you very much."

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes. "What's the point?" She asked. "Why would anyone actually be so pathetic as to have a weird therapy session with their boss?"

"Lily. I get that you're upset about all of this..." Robyn whispered.

"I'm not upset about this," Lily cut her off and raised her eyebrows. "I just think it's weird that you'd actually want this stupid counselling."

Robyn sighed. "I want it because I'm not kidding myself that I have to be okay all of the time."

"Nicely said, Robyn," Zoe said. "Connie and I are going to be holding the meetings in the office. We'll allocate you a set time and it's just for anyone who would like to get something off of their chest about Ethan."

"Why now?" Lily questioned.

"What do you mean, Lily?" Zoe asked her.

"It's been weeks since he died," Lily pointed out. "Why arrange this now?"

"Because it takes a long time to heal and it's clear that some of you are struggling to cope to terms with his death, and just struggling to cope in general," Zoe mentioned. "I know we did one to ones with each of you after it happened but we think appointments once a week could really help."

"Who else wants to see us?" Connie asked, glancing across at Cal who was trying to hide the fact that he had an extremely bad headache. "What about you, Caleb? Do you want an appointment?"

Cal shrugged his shoulders, but then nodded his head. "I might do, thanks," he answered.

"No worries," Zoe said, smiling at him.

"Lily?" Connie asked the junior doctor. "Want an appointment?"

Lily steered her attention towards the floor and shook her head.

"Are you sure?" Zoe asked. "I think it could do you some good."

"I'll be the judge of that, thank you," Lily snapped, looking up and scowling at both her and Connie.

"Lily, I really think..." Zoe went to say but Lily interrupted her.

"It's my choice, isn't it?" She mumbled. "That's the whole idea."

"Yes, it's your choice," Zoe sighed. "But I would recommend you make an appointment."

"Thanks, but no thanks," Lily said.

"Why?" Connie asked. "You had that one to one chat with me when you came back to work." Lily just shrugged her shoulders.

"Okay," Zoe said. "Everyone can go back to work. Cal and Robyn, write your names down on the notepad and a time that you would like to see us. Lily, stay behind." Lily sighed but walked over to Zoe and Connie.

"It's like I'm in school," she whispered under her breath.

"Look," Zoe said. "I know we said it's everyone's choice but Connie and I would like you to have an appointment with us please. So, as soon as Cal and Robyn are done you can write your name down on the sheet." Lily stayed silent and looked down at the floor. "And when you are done, there is a bowl of cereal in the office with your name on it. I'm guessing you've not had breakfast again."

"I'm not a child," Lily mumbled.

"We know," Connie said. "And we're not trying to treat you like one. We're looking out for you." Lily nodded, thanking her quietly. "No problem, Lily. Just make sure you eat it. I'll be checking."

Lily rolled her eyes and said, "yes mother."

"Watch your tone, Lily," Connie sighed.

Lily nodded. "I'll just go and write my name down then," she said and walked over to the notepad, as soon as Cal and Robyn had wandered off. She wrote her name down on the sheet and then dragged herself along to Connie's office.

"Yes!" Connie silently squealed and subtly high fived Zoe.

"Told you she wouldn't agree to it," Zoe said.

"Nope." Connie shook her head and leaned back against the desk with her arms crossed. "But we have her down for an appointment. It's progress."

"And with any luck, she's in the office eating breakfast," Zoe said. "So that's pretty good as well." She picked up the notepad and scanned the list. "Right. Who are we seeing first then?"

"Hmmm." Connie peered over Zoe's shoulder. "Maybe we should see Cal first because I think he'll have the most to say, even though he isn't talking at the moment. Then either Lily or Robyn."

"Well, we need to see Lily quickly so she doesn't back out of it last minute," Zoe suggested.

"Agreed." Connie nodded. "So, we'll see Cal whilst Lily eats and then we'll have our session with Lily. Then we'll move on to Robyn."

"I'm interested as to why Robyn requested an appointment also," Zoe said.

"Me too," Connie sighed. "Right. Let's get started then."


	8. She Said

**ETWentHome: Thank you. This chapter is focused on Lily mainly but you will find out how Cal and Robyn's sessions went soon enough :)**

 **Tanith Panic: She should, but Lily can be moody when she wants to be haha :)**

 **Tato Potato: You'll soon see :)**

Chapter Eight: She Said

Whilst Zoe spoke to Cal in the meeting room, Connie went to check on Lily to see if she was eating her breakfast. She was sat at the little round table in Connie's office, eating the bowl of cornflakes and milk that they had set for her.

"I won't be long," Connie said. "I have to get back to Cal's session." She sat down at her desk and began tidying a little bit, whilst Lily just ate in silence.

She soon leaned back in her chair and said, "done."

"Good," Connie said, noticing that her bowl was in fact empty. "Well done."

"Can I go then?" Lily asked.

"Actually I thought it would be a better idea for you to stay in here," Connie said. "Until we start your session."

"But that could take a while," Lily pointed out. "Wouldn't you rather I get to work now and come back later?"

"I think you'd be too distracted to work at this point," Connie sighed heavily and shook her head.

* * *

Cal's session lasted for about an hour. Zoe and Connie had been asking him a number of questions, some of which Cal had admitted to drinking. He'd refused to cry though, even though he felt close to it at times.

"I am really glad that you spoke to us, Cal," Zoe said. "But the drinking needs to stop. Understand?" Cal nodded his head faintly and wiped at his watery eyes. "Good. Take a break, okay? I know it must have been hard for you so take a break. Then you can get back to work."

"Thank you," Cal whispered and stood up. On his way to the staffroom, he walked past the office and saw Lily sitting inside. The door was open and she jumped up immediately when she saw him.

"How was the session?" She asked.

"Good," Cal replied, hovering in the doorway. "I hate to say it but I think it actually did me some good." Lily nodded thoughtfully. "Why? I thought you thought it was really dumb and pathetic."

"I still think it's stupid," Lily said. "But Connie's making me sit through a session so I have to."

"Ah, good luck," Cal told her.

"I'm going to need it," Lily said and rolled her eyes.

"Lily!" Connie called, coming to stand beside Cal. "Just the girl I was looking for. It's your turn to come and have a little chat."

Lily glanced nervously towards Cal before nodding and walking out with Connie. Connie made sure that Cal was okay before guiding Lily away to the meeting room. Zoe was sat down at the table jotting notes down from the session with Cal.

"I'll grab you a glass of water, Lily," Connie said, as she shut the door. "Take a seat."

Lily shyly sat down in a chair, as far away from Zoe as possible.

"Okay, Lily," Zoe said, as she stopped writing. "This is not going to be like a normal, formal therapy session. Okay? Because Connie and I are not therapists and we are not going to pretend to be either. It's just a little chat."

"If I wanted a chat, I would have already come to you," Lily whined.

"But I don't think you would have," Zoe said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're too proud to talk to anyone and you wouldn't admit you have a problem," Zoe pointed out.

"That's because I don't," Lily mumbled.

"Exhibit A," Zoe said, gesturing to her.

"Nothing is wrong," Lily sighed.

"If you say so," Zoe sighed back. "Just spend one session with us and we will see if that's true."

"How long for?" Lily asked.

"An hour," Connie said and placed a cold glass of water down in front of Lily.

"One hour?!" Lily squealed, sitting upright and looking up at Connie.

"Cal's session with an hour long," Zoe mentioned. "If you need longer, we'll decide but for now it's an hour." Lily sighed and whacked her head back against the chair and Connie went and took a seat next to Zoe. "Right. Let's get started then."

"So how does a therapy session that's not actually supposed to be a therapy session go?" Lily asked and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't be like that!" Zoe scolded. "This isn't a therapy session."

"Why don't you start us off, Lily?" Connie suggested. "Is there something that you'd like to talk about in particular?"

"Like I said," Lily began. "If there was, then I would have already said something."

"All right," Connie said, trying her best not to lose her patience. "So how about we tell you why we're worried about you?" Lily shrugged. "Lily. Shrugging your shoulders isn't going to tell me anything. I need actual words from you."

Lily shrugged again. "Okay. Shoot."

Zoe looked towards Connie and whispered, "do you want to start?"

Connie nodded. "Sure," she agreed with a small sigh. "Lily. One of the reasons I wanted to have this chat with you was your obsession with trying to find out why Ethan killed himself."

"It's hardly an obsession," Lily whispered.

"That's what it is turning into," Connie said. "But I'm not too worried about you wanting to know. It's the fact that you're not eating, you're not sleeping, you're not looking after yourself."

"I am," Lily lied, folding her arms and avoiding eye contact.

"Lily," Zoe put in. "We have to have breakfast ready for you every morning. And it's quite clear you're not sleeping properly."

"Can I ask you something?" Connie asked but Lily made no sign of movement. "Why are you so focused on finding out why Ethan killed himself?" She questioned. "And I'd like an honest answer please. I know it's hard to talk but..."

"I just am," Lily interrupted. "He always seemed so happy. Not only did he kill himself, but he killed himself on Christmas Day. Do you realise how selfish that is? He killed himself on a day that everybody is supposed to love. How are we meant to like Christmas now?" She glared at Connie and rubbed her palms together.

"It was Ethan's favourite time of the year," Zoe said. "This obsession needs to stop though, Lily. How have you been sleeping lately, may I ask?"

"I haven't," Lily mumbled.

"At all?" Connie asked, glancing across at Zoe. Lily shook her head, subtly looking down at the scars on her wrist. Every night and every morning, she'd create three scars on her wrist with a razor that she kept in her pocket. It was meant to be for luck, Ethan's favourite number had always been the number three. She hadn't been feeling very lucky though.

"But why not?" Zoe asked.

"How am I supposed to sleep after everything that's happened?" Lily said.

"Well, you must have slept a bit," Connie mentioned.

Lily shrugged. "I stay up all night," she admitted. "If I try to sleep I can't and if I happen to drift off, then I wake up abruptly five or ten minutes later."

"Nightmares?" Connie asked.

Lily's head snapped up. "I thought this wasn't a therapy session," she reminded them. "So why are you trying to dig into my subconscious?"

"If you're having trouble sleeping then we ought to try and fix that, don't you think?" Connie sighed. Lily hung her head and looked at her scars again, running her fingers over them. "What are you looking at?" Connie asked.

"Nothing," Lily whispered and looked up to make eye contact with the clinical lead.

"Show me," Connie ordered.

"There's nothing to show," Lily lied and shrugged her shoulders.

"Don't be difficult now," Connie told her. "Just show me and I'll leave it." Lily just looked at her though. "What?" Connie asked.

"If I show you, you won't leave it," Lily pointed out.

"Well, now I have to see," Connie said, biting her lip but Lily just stared at her.

"Lily," Zoe spoke. "Connie said not to be difficult." Lily gulped nervously and slowly lifted her arm, pulling up her sleeve and revealing her scars. "Oh my god," Zoe whispered, placing a hand over her mouth.

"Told you," Lily mumbled.

"Lily, how long?" Connie asked her quietly.

"What?" Lily asked.

"How long have you been hurting yourself?" Connie elaborated.

"A while," Lily whispered.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Zoe asked.

"It's private," Lily said and pulled her sleeve back down to hide her cuts. "Can I please go now?" Zoe and Connie exchanged glances and nodded their heads, knowing they weren't going to get much more out of Lily. "Thank you," Lily thanked them quietly and got up, pushing her chair under the table.

"Lily," Connie called her back, once she'd reached the door. Lily kept one hand on the handle but turned round to look at Connie. "Send Robyn in to see us please." Lily just faintly nodded her head and left the room in silence.


	9. Broken

**ETWentHome: Yeah it is good that they've admitted a few things :)**

 **Tato Potato: Yeah there'll be more of Lily finding out how Ethan died soon. Understandable for Cal to be feeling that way as well bless him :)**

 **CasualtyFanForever81: Thank you :)**

Chapter Nine: Broken

Lily had a secret. It wasn't that she was cutting, it wasn't that she was secretly in love with Ethan and it wasn't that she was trying to find out how Ethan killed himself. It was that she kept a silver can in her locker, a silver can that held Ethan's ashes. After she left, she told Robyn to go and see Connie and Zoe and then headed straight to her locker. Somehow holding the can in her hands made her feel a whole lot better.

"What's that?" Lofty asked, walking in with his arms crossed.

Lily turned the can over in her hands and glanced up at him anxiously. "Um...E...Ethan..." She stammered and sighed heavily. "Ethan's ashes."

"Ewww!" Lofty grimaced. "That's Ethan in there?"

"Shut up," Lily hissed at him. "Don't speak about him like that."

"Don't you think that's a bit weird, Lily?" Lofty asked her.

"Just please forget about this, Lofty," Lily begged. "Don't say anything to anyone please. They'll cart me off to the nut house. I'm not crazy, okay? I just can't let him go yet. I just can't."

"I won't tell anyone," Lofty whispered. "Does Cal know though?"

"He's too drunk to notice," Lily sighed deeply and gently placed the can back into her locker. "Um...Do you know why Robyn wanted an appointment with Mrs Beauchamp and Doctor Hanna?"

Lofty shook his head. "I don't," he replied.

"Interesting," Lily whispered and nodded her head. "You guys are friends, I thought you of all people should know something."

"Maybe she's just mourning," Lofty suggested and shrugged his shoulders. "You should try it," he then added, before walking out.

* * *

"I'm a little surprised as to why you wanted to talk to us, Robyn," Connie said. She and Zoe were sat side by side in the room, whilst Robyn sat anxiously opposite them. "I know that everyone is upset but...You and Ethan weren't the closest now, were you?"

"I...I miss him," Robyn answered, with a shrug of the shoulders. "No one should deserve to die, especially by suicide. Ethan was young and a really lovely guy, he had his whole life ahead of him."

"Robyn," Zoe said. "We expected to talk to Cal, Lily, maybe Rita. We...We didn't expect to be talking to you."

"Didn't you set these sessions up for everybody?" Robyn asked.

"Um...Yes..." Connie said. "We'll be honest, Robyn. We did mainly set this up to try and get Lily to open up because she um...Struggles with that kind of stuff. The sessions are for everyone though and if you do want to talk to us, that's fine. We'll listen."

"Did you get much out of Lily?" Robyn whispered, forgetting the confidential side of things.

Connie looked to Zoe and took a deep breath. "We can't really say anything, I'm afraid," she told Robyn. "But just trust us when we say that we are going to help her."

"I do," Robyn said. "But she's a tough nut to crack."

"Tell me about it," Connie sighed and shook her head. "But she's going to be fine. You all are."

Robyn smiled and whispered, "thank you."

"Robyn," Zoe put in. "Was there anything that you'd like to talk to us about in confidence? Something in particular?"

Robyn shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "I know that Lily and Cal have it way worse because they were so close to him, but it's just hard to admit that he's actually gone." She paused before carrying on. "I guess he um...I guess I should have helped him more."

"What do you mean?" Zoe questioned.

"Before he died," Robyn sighed. "He um...He asked me what the best way to kill yourself was."

"What did you say?" Connie asked slowly, after a long moment of silence.

"Overdose," Robyn answered quietly. "Because it's more peaceful, which is what he did. I can't help thinking that it's my fault."

"It isn't your fault," Zoe reassured her.

"I just didn't think anything of it," Robyn defended. "When he asked me. We're doctors, I thought he was referring to a patient."

The door then burst open and Max rushed in. "Lily has completely flipped out at Lofty," he panted.

"What happened?" Zoe asked.

"I don't know," he gasped, out of breath. "I think Lofty was telling her to try mourning or something, but I...I don't know. She's just lost it."

"Oh god." Connie ran her hands down her face. "Sorry, Robyn. I'm going to have to go and check this out."

"It's okay." Robyn gave an understanding nod. "Just make sure she's okay."

"I'll stay with Robyn," Zoe said to Connie. "But if you need help then just shout, okay?"

Connie nodded. "Thank you," she said and walked over to Max. "Take me to her."

"I don't know what happened," Max said, as he and Connie walked out of the room. "I think they were talking in the locker rooms. Lofty came out though and Lily kind of just followed and lunged at him. She went absolutely mental."

"I'll sort it," Connie promised and patted his shoulder. "Thank you, Max."

Connie carried on to where the locker rooms were and saw Lily being restrained outside by Rita and Tess. She was screaming and struggling to get to Lofty who was backing away nervously with his hands up.

"What happened?" Connie asked, storming over angrily. Rita and Tess just shrugged in unison though. "Right. Lofty, back to work. Lily, office!"

"I hate him!" Lily screamed, as Rita and Tess let go of her. Connie just led her away to the office before she could lunge at Lofty again. "I fucking hate him!" She repeated and kicked the door, once they were inside.

"Sit down and calm down," Connie ordered.

"He should have been the one to die!" Lily screamed and sat on the sofa, breathing heavily. "Not Ethan!"

"What happened?" Connie asked, slamming the door shut. "And I want the full story!"

"You wouldn't understand," Lily sobbed and wiped her eyes.

"Try me."

"You all think I'm crazy but I'm not!" Lily yelled in tears. "I just want to feel close to him. Why does nobody understand that?"

"Calm down," Connie comforted. "Nobody thinks you're crazy. Just talk to me. What do you mean?" Lily went silent, breathing heavily. "Lily. I can't be on your side if you don't tell me your story." She sighed and took a seat next to the junior doctor.

"Lofty," Lily whispered and sniffed. "Just...He accused me of not mourning Ethan's dead."

"Well that's ridiculous," Connie mentioned. "Everyone mourns differently. He shouldn't be having a go at you for that."

"Exactly!" Lily yelled.

"Which is why I think there's still more to it," Connie continued.

"Can't you just accept my half of the story?" Lily asked.

"I'm trying to but you can't expect me to believe you if you won't tell the whole story," Connie pointed out.

"But you might get mad at me," Lily whimpered.

"You have to tell me, Lily," Connie said. "It's not like I could possibly get any angrier at you for what you said beforehand, than I could at you for lashing out."

Lily ran her hands down her face. "I'm not crazy," she whispered softly.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Connie questioned her.

Lily sighed. "I um...I keep Ethan's ashes in a can in my locker," she admitted. "Lofty saw. That's um...That's all. I just want him close to me."

"Oh Lily," Connie sighed sympathetically. "How could you think I could get mad at you?"

"I thought you might find it creepy or petty," Lily said.

"Well, it's a little unsettling," Connie laughed.

"I knew you'd think I was crazy," Lily said. "But it's comforting to um...To have him there."

"You're not crazy," Connie comforted, wrapping an arm round her shoulder. "And I think Lofty was wrong to say that. You're mourning him more than anybody, just in a different way."

Lily nodded faintly and wiped a single tear away from her eye. "Thank you," she choked out. "I just miss him so much."


	10. Slipped Away

**LillyMayFlower: Yeah I agree haha. More to come :)**

 **Tato Potato: You did, lots of people guessed that correctly in fact. You'll soon see if they find out :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: Yeah, bless her. I thought it would add a bit more. Thanks for reviewing :)**

 **Amyxxx: They are both really great ideas, thanks. Thanks for your input. You'll find that out eventually :)**

 **ETWentHome: They certainly will not be good reactions :)**

Chapter Ten: Slipped Away

"Is she okay?" Zoe asked, when Connie had returned to her. Robyn's session had finished and she'd headed off back to work.

"Um...Not really," Connie answered and sat down beside Zoe. "She's been keeping Ethan's ashes in her locker."

"Oh my god," Zoe said, running a hand down her face. "Are you joking?"

"Unfortunately not," Connie sighed. "We need to have more sessions with her. She's still obsessed on finding out how Ethan died."

"That's extremely unhealthy," Zoe said. "We'll monitor her behaviour, see how she does over the next couple of weeks. It might be a good idea to maybe see her once a week anyway, just to see how she's doing."

"Hmmm." Connie rubbed her hands together, deep in thought. "I don't want her to think that we're checking up on her."

* * *

"Cal!" Lily yelled and hurried over to Cal. He was sat at the computer in reception, clearly tired and achy from drinking too much. Lily paid no attention to that though. "I need you to cover for me."

"Why?" Cal groaned, rubbing at his forehead.

Lily could smell the strong scent of alcohol on his breath.

"Because I need to go and do something, and it's important," Lily whined, giving him a gentle shake. "Please Cal. Just do this one thing and cover for me."

"What do you want me to say?" Cal asked. "Mrs Beauchamp knows you're at work. You've just flipped out at Lofty for crying out loud, don't you think that she'll get suspicious?"

"You'll think of something. Do not say I've left the building though," Lily told him. "Please. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate."

"Well, what is it that you need to go and do?" Cal questioned, raising an eyebrow at her.

"I um...I can't say," Lily said quietly and bit her lip. "But please believe me when I say that it is really, really important." Cal sighed and hesitated before nodding his head in agreement. "Thank you. That means a lot."

She gave him a brief hug before hurrying off and leaving the ED. There was no way that she could say where she was going, she'd just thought of the idea and it was absolutely brilliant. Cal and Ethan's mum was dead, and Ethan had been incredibly close to him. Thanks to a conversation she'd had with Ethan after she died, she knew where she'd stayed during her illness.

St John's Care Home.

She decided that it was best to leave her moped there so that it looked like she was still at work. It didn't take long to walk to St John's anyway. She sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around herself before going on her way. There was a huge sign right outside the building so she knew when she'd arrived. She gulped nervously and walked up the path to the door, knocking loudly.

"May I help you?" A nurse asked, appearing in the doorway.

"Hi, um...My name's Lily Chao," she said before pausing. "I was friends with Angela Hardy."

"Angela?" The nurse frowned at Lily. Her name tag said Danielle. "Come in," she said, opening the door a little more to allow Lily to walk in. "Wait here. I'll just go and get her nurse."

Lily nodded thankfully and took a seat on one of the chairs whilst she waited.

"Lily Chao?" Someone's voice said and another nurse walked over. "My name is Susan. Danielle said you're here about Angela?" Lily nodded and stood up from her chair. "Funny. I don't remember you visiting her when she was in here."

"Actually...I'm Ethan's friend," Lily admitted. "Her son, Ethan. I work with him."

"And why aren't you at work today?" Susan sighed.

"Day off," Lily lied quickly.

"What can I do for you?" Susan asked, interested as to why Lily was there.

"Ethan visited a lot, didn't he?" Lily asked and Susan nodded. "I wasn't sure if you were aware that he died, at Christmas."

"No, I wasn't aware," Susan said, frowning at the bad news. "He was a lovely lad. What happened?"

"Suicide," Lily mentioned quietly. "I was just wondering if...If maybe the reason behind his death was his mum. He was very close with her, maybe he missed her too much."

"Angela has been dead for a while," Susan said. "And I strictly remember Ethan telling his mum that he would stay alive and well to make her proud. And I know Ethan, he wouldn't break a promise like that, whether his mum is alive or not."

Lily was silent.

"Why are you asking all this anyway?" Susan asked and crossed her arms.

"I...I just want to find out what Ethan was thinking during his last moments," Lily sighed. "I've asked his dad, his brother...Everything."

"I can't help you I'm afraid." Susan shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry."

"Okay." Lily nodded. "Thanks anyway." She gave Susan a small smile before leaving the care home. That had been a complete waste of a journey. She glanced down at her mobile to check the time and saw that she had thirteen missed calls from Connie and three from Cal. "Shit," she cursed under her breath, knowing that this wasn't going to end well.

Connie was waiting outside the ED when Lily arrived back. She didn't look happy at all.

"Inside," Connie ordered, giving her a small shove. "Where the hell have you been? You don't just leave work halfway through the day, Lily! It isn't school, you can't just skive off and think that you can get away with it." Lily didn't say anything, but just leant against the wall, her eyes fixated on the floor. "This isn't like you," Connie pointed out, her voice changing to a calm and worried tone. "Where did you go?"

"Nowhere," Lily whispered and shrugged her shoulders. "I just wanted a walk. After our chat earlier, I...I felt like I needed some air."

"You must have gone somewhere," Connie said.

"I just said I didn't," Lily snapped. "Look, I wasn't feeling well so I just wanted to get out of there."

"Lily. Just tell me the truth," Connie ordered. "If you went somewhere, you need to tell me."

Lily brushed her hair back and said, "I didn't."

"I talked to Cal, Lily," Connie sighed and put her hands on her hips. "He didn't say much but after a lot of lying, he finally told me that you had asked him to cover for you."

Lily was silent.

"I um..." She soon started to speak. "I went to the care home that Ethan's mum was in."

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Connie groaned.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Lily asked her. "He was my friend, Connie."

"And we all miss him very much," Connie told her.

"Then why do none of you care?" Lily screamed.

"Stop that," Connie said and held a hand up to her. "We care very much and you know we do. This is turning into an unhealthy obsession though Lily and it needs to stop, I mean it. Go and take a break and then I want you back to work. Stay out of resus though please."

"Why?" Lily frowned at her.

"Because it can get very stressful and full on in there and I don't think you're in the best frame of mind for that," Connie said. "I'm just looking out for you."

Lily faintly nodded and turned to head back into the ED. She spotted Cal over in the corner talking to a patient but all she did was shoot him a death glare before going to grab herself a mug of coffee.


	11. Breakdown

**LillyMayFlower: It is really unhealthy. She'll find out soon :)**

 **ETWentHome: Haha you'll soon find out :)**

 **Tanith Panic: Thank you. That's kind of what I'm working towards :)**

 **Tato Potato: Thank you so much :)**

Chapter Eleven: Breakdown

1 - Sadness

People sometimes didn't understand what depression or sadness was. It was an illness that could hit someone in a matter of minutes. People didn't really need a reason to be depressed. Anyone could have it. Ethan never seemed sad or depressed but maybe inside he was.

2 - Unhappy

Sort of the same thing as depression. Ethan may not have had an illness exactly but he could have been unhappy with who he was, unhappy with life. It was plausible.

3 - Illness

Maybe Ethan had been diagnosed with some kind of illness; mental illness, cancer, something terminal. Maybe he didn't want anybody to know because he was embarrassed and maybe he didn't want to suffer through being ill.

4 - Cutting

Lily wondered if Ethan had been self harming in anyway. She winced at the thought of him cutting into his own skin. He could have been hurting himself before he overdosed.

5 - Impending Events

Maybe he was scared of the future, nervous about upcoming events. He might have thought that he had no future, he might have thought that life wasn't worth living.

6 - Dating

Ethan hadn't been dating anyone at the time of his suicide. Maybe that was the problem. He'd always wanted to have a girlfriend, get married and have kids. If Lily had told him her feelings, it might have stopped him from killing himself.

7 - Energy

Maybe it was just as simple as losing energy. Maybe Ethan just wanted everything to end.

Lily sighed as she taped the list onto the door of her locker. She took a step back and bit her nails anxiously, looking over her options. She'd made sure to choose certain words and arrange them so they spelt out the word 'suicide.' She sighed heavily to herself, as the door opened and Zoe walked in.

"What's this?" Zoe asked.

Lily attempted to take it down but Zoe had already seen it.

"Lily?" She questioned, taking the list down and scanning it over. "Do we need to go and see Connie?"

"That's mine!" Lily yelled and snatched it back. "It's private!"

"Well, that certainly was not a good place to hide something private," Zoe said. "I'm just worried about you, and I think I have a right to be after seeing that."

"Please don't tell Connie," Lily pleaded.

"I think she ought to know," Zoe said, placing a hand on Lily's back and guiding her out. "Come on."

"She'll go nuts," Lily whined. "Zoe. Please don't."

Zoe ignored her and led her towards Connie's office, taking her inside. Connie was in there doing paperwork but she looked up from what she was doing as soon as they entered.

"What now?" She sighed, seeing Lily.

"I think Lily needs to talk to you," Zoe said, taking the list from Lily and handing it over to Connie to look at.

Connie pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes upon noticing the word 'SUICIDE' and then ran a hand down her face as she read it slowly. Once she'd done, she looked up at Lily with disappointment and sympathy in her eyes.

"What are we going to do with you?" She asked.

"You weren't supposed to see that," Lily whispered.

Zoe and Connie exchanged glances.

"Stop looking at each other like that," Lily said.

"Do you not think that this is worrying?" Connie asked, holding up the list. "This is an obsessive compulsive thing Lily. You need to let it go. Ethan wouldn't want you doing this."

"Do not tell me what Ethan would want!" Lily snapped.

Connie sighed. "Lily. You are on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now."

"That's because I'm the only one who isn't pretending that everything is okay when it's not!" Lily yelled. "Because Ethan is dead and he is never ever coming back!"

"You're getting yourself into a state, Lily," Connie said. "Everyone is just trying to carry on with their lives as best as they can. They're healing."

"Aren't you even just a little bit curious?" Lily asked, shaking her head. "Don't you want to know why Ethan died? At all?"

Connie shook her head at her. "No, Lily," Connie sighed. "And you need to stop thinking about it as well. Okay?" Lily just stood there in silence. "I think that we need to get you some help. Some real therapy with a professional."

"I don't need it," Lily spat. "Okay? I don't need any therapy."

"Mrs Beauchamp!" The sound of Lofty's voice came from outside and he immediately burst into the room. "Mrs Beauchamp! Cal's collapsed!"

"What happened?" Connie asked, her eyes widening in shock.

"I...I don't know..." Lofty stammered, sounding completely out of breath. "He...He's in pain..."

 **That was a really short chapter but I hope the cliffhanger made up for it and I hope you enjoyed reading the chapter anyway. I need to try and make my chapters longer :)**


	12. Running Away

**AbstractSwan: Haha glad you like the story. Lily certainly does need help :)**

 **CBloom2: I do love writing cliffhangers, I hate reading them though because I get impatient :)**

 **Tanith Panic: Thank you and haha I get like that after I read loads :)**

 **Tato Potato: Thank you :)**

 **Danielle888: Lots of Connie and Lily relationship in this :)**

 **ETWentHome: It may help her, yes. You'll find out about Cal in this chapter :)**

Chapter Twelve: Running Away

They all immediately followed Lofty out when he'd given the news. Cal was lying on the floor clutching his stomach and crying in pain whilst everyone crowded round him. Lily leant against the desk and watched in surprise as Connie and Zoe knelt at his side.

"Cal," Lily whispered, gulping nervously.

"He stinks of alcohol," Zoe muttered, exchanging glances with Connie.

"Is...Is he okay?" Lily stammered.

She couldn't believe that this was happening. Cal was in agony. She'd already lost Ethan, she couldn't lose him as well. As Connie and Zoe stayed on the floor to try and help him, Lily sprinted towards the door and raced out. She could hear Connie shouting after her but she didn't turn back. She just ran and ran and ran until she was far away from the ED as possible. She leant back against the wall and screamed, tears streaming down her face.

"Why?!" She yelled into the air. "Why did you have to go and fucking leave me?"

"Lily!" Someone called and Lily turned to see Robyn running after her, completely out of breath.

"Leave me alone," Lily sobbed, turning to carry on walking.

"Lily, please stop," Robyn panted. "I...I can't run that far. Please...Just...Please..." Lily stopped walking and turned round to face Robyn, folding her arms across her chest. "Cal's going to be okay," Robyn told her, once she'd caught up. "Mrs Beauchamp says it's most likely alcohol poisoning. He'll be fine though."

"Why did he do it?" Lily cried, hiccupping slightly.

"He's mourning." Robyn shrugged her shoulders. "He thinks..."

"Not Cal," Lily snapped. "Ethan! Why did he have to go and kill himself? I need to know why!" She stomped her foot and ran a hand through her tangled hair.

"Can I talk to you about something?" Robyn asked. "Just...Just promise me that you won't get mad."

"I'm not promising anything," Lily said, balling her hands up into fists. "What is it, Robyn?"

"Before Ethan died..." Robyn began. "He...He asked me what the best method of suicide was. I...I told him that I thought overdose."

Lily couldn't speak. She stared at Robyn, shaking her head from side to side. She couldn't help herself then. She literally brought her arm back and punched Robyn straight in the face. The red-head fell to the floor, screaming and crying in pain as she clutched her face. Lily couldn't believe what she'd done and she couldn't stay around and wait to see what happened. She quickly turned and began running in the direction that she'd been going before. She needed to get out of there. She rounded the corner and squeezed through a half open, metal gate, cutting her hand on a sharp bit of barbed wire. She hissed in pain and pulled the gate shut behind her as she found herself in an alleyway.

Lily had always hated alleyways. She never usually went down them, in case she'd get raped or mugged or stabbed. As she slowly walked, she heard a soft, crying sound.

"Hello?" She called out, noticing a small figure sat on the floor by a pile of bins. "Hello?" She asked.

"Lily." The voice knew her name. "Is that you?"

Lily stepped forwards and noticed that the small figure was Luka.

"Luka," she sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. "What...What are you doing out here by yourself? Are you crying?"

"I don't know where I am," he cried, as Lily knelt down on the floor in front of him. "I'm lost. I...I ran away from the orphanage but I don't know where I am now."

"Hey it's okay buddy," Lily soothed, giving him a comforting smile. "I'm here now."

"You're bleeding," Luka pointed out, noticing the sticky red liquid on Lily's hand. "What did you do?"

"I um...I caught it on the gate," Lily laughed. "You're small enough to squeeze through. I only just managed it."

"Do you know where we are?" Luka asked in a small voice.

"Just about," Lily said. "I ran away from work so you're not alone, okay?"

"You ran away from work?" Luka asked. "Why?"

"Because I hate people," Lily said. "No one cares about how Ethan died." She picked up a muddy rock and threw it. It hit the wall and bounced off of a bin. "I just want to find out why he took his own life."

"He really liked you, you know?" Luka said. "He was always talking about you, said that he wanted to marry you."

"What?" Lily whispered.

Luka nodded with a smile.

"He said that?" Lily asked and he nodded again.

The sound of sirens were soon heard in the distance and Lily crawled to sit next to Luka. She kept her eyes fixated on the metal gate, as she noticed an ambulance speed past. She knew that it was probably Dixie and Iain, sorting Robyn out before roaming the streets to look for her.

"I punched someone, you know?" Lily said.

"Really?" Luka asked, eyes wide.

"Self defence," Lily lied. "You can't tell anyone though."

"I won't."

"We should get you back. You can't run away from the home, Luka."

"You can't run away from work," Luka said. "If I go back, you need to go back too."

"Sorry mate," Lily sighed. "I'm older. I don't have to go back. Come on, Sophie will be really worried about you."

"She will, won't she?" Luka whispered and hung his head, and Lily nodded. "Can I see you again soon?"

"You can see me whenever you want to," Lily said, hugging him and kissing his forehead. "Come on. We'll take the route through the park. Hopefully no one will see us then."

Luka nodded and took Lily's hand in his. Lily led him towards the gate and pushed it open, wide enough so that they could both squeeze through. Luka was quiet the entire way there, worrying that Sophie would tell him off. She didn't though. She gave him a huge hug before giving Lily a huge hug as well, thanking her for finding him.

"It was no big deal," Lily said. "I'll see you soon, Luka."

"Bye Lily." Luka waved to her and headed inside with Sophie.

Lily had no idea what to do with herself. She debated on going back to the ED but she knew how much trouble she would be in. She ran out during a shift and then she went and punched Robyn. If she stayed out late enough, they'd probably worry and call the police and then when she did return they'd be so glad that she was safe she wouldn't be in trouble anymore. Well, not as much anyway. She went back to the alleyway where she'd found Luka and sat down cross legged on the floor, soaking her hand in a muddy puddle. Her cut stung but at least it had stopped bleeding. She could no longer hear the sirens and sitting there alone in the alleyway was scary, now that she didn't have anyone. She took a deep breath and hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. This was where she needed Megs. If Megs was there, she'd say about doing something fun to forget all about work. But she wasn't. Megs was in a psychiatric hospital in the middle of Oxford far away from Lily, and Lily didn't even have her phone on her. She hadn't got anything with her. She waited and she waited and she waited, deciding that she was better off on her own anyway.

 **Bit of a sad chapter with lots of drama involved, and Luka returned :)**


	13. Missing

**Tato Potato: I found that a really sweet scene to write :)**

 **ETWentHome: Yeah, let's hope he gets some help. Thanks for your review :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: Haha, Robyn did choose a bad time I agree. Glad you liked that scene. I like writing scenes between Lily and Luka. You'll see Cal again soon :)**

Chapter Thirteen: Missing

Zoe leaned back against the desk and watched as Connie paced up and down the office with her arms folded. She chewed on her fingernails anxiously and every now and then she'd just sigh heavily and run a hand through her hair. The door opened and Charlie walked in, causing Connie to look up suddenly.

"Cal's resting," Charlie said. "Any news about Lily?" Zoe shook her head. "Right. Well, Dixie and Iain have just brought Robyn in. Apparently Lily punched her so she's got a bit of a black eye and her nose is bleeding. She doesn't know where Lily went though."

Connie sighed and dashed over to the phone on her desk. "I'm calling the police," she said.

"They won't do anything, Connie," Zoe told her. "They won't file a missing person's report unless she's been missing for twenty four hours."

"Well, I'm not going to sit back and do nothing!" Connie snapped.

Zoe shrugged her shoulders. "There isn't much else we can do."

"You can't seriously be suggesting we leave her out there by herself?" Connie asked, shocked at what Zoe was saying.

"She is an adult," Zoe pointed out.

"An emotionally unstable adult," Connie added, placing her hands on her hips.

"Let's just focus on those we actually have in our care," Zoe calmed her.

Charlie moved out of the way just as the door opened and Robyn came in, holding an ice-pack to her face.

"Are you okay now?" Charlie asked.

Robyn nodded. "Dixie and Iain have gone to look for Lily."

"Thanks for the update," Connie sighed, sitting down at her desk.

"I'm sure she's okay," Robyn reassured her. "She's just upset and going through some stuff."

"Yes, she is," Connie agreed. "And I think you're right but that didn't give her a right to go and punch you like that. Are you sure you're okay?" Robyn nodded, sniffing slightly. "So she just freaked out?" Robyn nodded again, tucking her hair behind her ear. "She wouldn't go far, would she?"

"I don't know." The red head shrugged her shoulders. "She was in a pretty bad way when I saw her."

"She'll be okay," Zoe comforted and gave Connie's shoulder a rub.

* * *

Lily still hadn't turned up. Robyn was sat in the staffroom, taking a quick break and Cal was fast asleep in his cubicle after almost dying from alcohol poisoning. Whilst Charlie and Zoe cared for him, Connie crept into the locker rooms. She took a hair grip out of her hair and picked Lily's locker, the door swinging straight open. She was hoping to find some clues, clues that might help them find out where she'd ran off to.

"Connie." Connie looked up to see Rita standing in the doorway. "Since when did you know how to pick locks?"

"Since Grace persuaded Sam to buy her a door lock for her birthday," Connie answered, placing Lily's bag on the table. "I was forever having to pick it to stop her from locking herself in her room. And people wonder why I don't let her see her father."

"Point taken," Rita laughed. "You're not going to find any clues. Lily ran off in the heat of the moment. It wasn't like she'd been planning it."

"I thought that it was worth a try," Connie sighed, rummaging through Lily's bag. "What's this?" She asked, pulling a notebook out and sitting it on the table next to the bag.

"Diary?" Rita took a wild guess. "Something that belonged to Ethan?"

 _MY IMMORTAL_

That was what the first page said. Connie frowned and turned the page over to see the words 'CHAPTER ONE' written right at the top in capital letters. The rest of the page was filled with small, purple writing as well as the next forty nine pages.

"She's been writing a book," Connie said, turning to the last page of writing. "Fifty whole pages here about death."

"Is it about Ethan?" Rita questioned.

Connie shook her head, as she read a small section. "Looks fictional," Connie sighed. "But I bet it's based off Ethan. It's actually quite good."

"I can't believe she's written fifty pages of a fictional book," Rita said, taking the notebook to have a look herself. "And she hasn't told anyone."

"Lily's secretive though, isn't she?" Connie said and Rita nodded in agreement. Connie sighed deeply and zipped Lily's bag back up before shoving it into her locker. Lily's mobile was in there and thirteen missed calls from Megs flashed up.

"Lily's popular," Rita said, catching a glimpse over the top of the notebook.

"Megs," Connie said, picking up her mobile and having a look at the screen before placing it back in the locker and shutting the door.

"What about the notebook?" Rita asked.

"I might hold onto that actually," Connie said, taking it from Rita's hands and slamming it shut. "I might start it from the beginning."

Rita nodded with a smile, as Connie left the locker rooms with the notebook grasped tightly to her chest.


	14. If I Die Young

**CasualtyFanForever81: Haha, yay :)**

 **ETWentHome: Thank you. I like to think of Lily as a little secret writer :)**

 **LillyMayFlower: Maybe. I thought that was a nice bit of extra detail about Connie :)**

 **Tato Potato: Let's hope she doesn't do anything crazy and yes, it will do :)**

Chapter Fourteen: If I Die Young

Connie was sat at her desk, reading through the fictional novel that Lily had been writing. It actually surprised her at how good it was. She was halfway through Chapter three when there was a knock and her office door opened. It was Lily.

"Oh thank god," she sighed a sigh of relief and rushed to hug her before shutting the door. "Where the hell have you been?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders. "For a walk," she muttered under her breath.

"What happened to your hand?" Connie asked, noticing the blood.

"Cut it on some barbed wire," Lily whispered quietly.

"That will need looking at," Connie said sternly, before sitting back down at her desk. "We have been worried sick, Lily. I almost had to call the police. Cal is lying in bed after having alcohol poisoning, Robyn has a black eye after you went and punched her."

"Can I just go home?" Lily asked.

"I don't think so," Connie scoffed. "You must be mad to think that I am letting you go home after you disappear for hours on end." She shut the notebook and held it up for Lily to see. "I've been reading this."

"That's private, and that was meant to be in my locker," Lily snapped. "How'd you...?"

"You have a real talent for writing, Lily," Connie cut her off.

"Doesn't matter," Lily said. "I didn't write it for you."

"Then who did you write it for?" Connie asked. "Ethan?"

Lily frowned at her. "Ethan's dead."

Connie sighed. "Okay. No matter who you wrote it for, it's good. Really good. Do you write a lot?"

"It helps me clear my mind." Lily shrugged.

Connie nodded at her. "I can imagine you have a lot on your mind these days. Is this story about Ethan?"

"Maybe," Lily whispered and shrugged.

"Well, it's good," Connie sighed. "Very good with lots of detail."

"You weren't meant to read it though," Lily pointed out.

"I know and I'm sorry," Connie apologised. "Now. I am going to clean that cut and see if it needs stitches. Then I want you to go and sit yourself in the on call room and work on this for the rest of the day." She handed the notebook to Lily.

Lily squinted her eyes in confusion and looked to Connie. "That's my punishment for running off?"

"Would you rather I make you mop up the bodily fluids in resus?" Connie asked.

"No," Lily mumbled.

"Good. So I expect at least three pages written. Now come here." Connie motioned for Lily to sit closer so she could examine her cut. "We have been extremely worried about you, beautiful. Where did you go?"

"No where," Lily answered.

"What did you do?" Connie questioned.

"Nothing."

"Who were you with?" Connie asked.

"No one."

"Oh well, that sounds like fun," Connie said sarcastically. "You do still need to apologise to Robyn, all right?" Lily faintly nodded. "You need to understand that you can't go punching people like that."

Lily suddenly remembered what Robyn had told her. "She killed Ethan though," she said quietly to Connie. "She...She told me, Connie."

"No sweetie, Ethan killed himself," Connie said. "I hate to say it but..."

"She told him that overdose was the best method of suicide!" Lily yelled.

"She told you then?" Connie sighed.

"You knew!" Lily's voice got louder. "Who the fuck does she think she is going around telling people that?!"

"Lily, calm down," Connie said, as Lily just ran a hand through her hair. "Calm down. She didn't know that Ethan would go and harm himself, okay? If she did, she wouldn't have told him that. Of course she wouldn't."

"I just want my best friend back," Lily whispered. "Is that too much to ask?" Connie didn't answer her, just dabbed at her cut with a tissue. "What about Cal? Is he okay?"

Connie nodded. "That doesn't need stitches," she whispered. "And he's fine. He's resting, you can go and see him if you like. He's in room 4."

Lily nodded.

"Go on, take your notebook with you," Connie said. "Are you okay?" Lily nodded with tears in her eyes before heading out of the office. She made her way towards room 4 and saw Cal lying in bed.

"Hey," he groaned. "Y...You're back. Charlie said you'd..."

"I need to know," Lily said. "I need to know why Ethan killed himself. Do you know anything?"

"He was really depressed, Lily," Cal said, slurring his words. "I've just woken up. Don't bombard me with questions like this."

"But you were his brother," Lily whispered. "You must have known something."

"He loved someone, okay?" Cal said in a croaky voice. "He loved someone who didn't love him back. He wanted to date them but he could tell they weren't interested. It got him really down."

"Who?" Lily asked in confusion. "Luka said he was always talking about me but..."

"Exactly," Cal said, shaking his head. "You never showed any signs of being in love with Ethan. He loved you though, he asked you out one time and you said no because you were studying. You never told him you loved him, all you cared about was work."

"But..."

"No, Lily," Cal scoffed. "It's true. You caused Ethan to kill himself."


	15. With a Little Help from My Friends

**Tato Potato: You'll soon find out :)**

 **LillyMayFlower: Thank you so much. It has taken me ages to write this chapter :)**

 **CasualtyFanForever81: Thanks. I love a cliffhanger :)**

 **ETWentHome: Thanks for your review. More to come :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: Yeah I think he might do. I think Lily and Cal just need to hug each other :)**

 **Tanith Panic: That is a good way of putting it :)**

Chapter Fifteen: With a Little Help from My Friends

Lily just pursed her lips together and stared at Cal, as if he'd said the worst thing in the world. Cal groaned in pain and ran his hands down his face, still feeling unwell from giving himself alcohol poisoning.

"You're lying," she hissed at him and shook her head. "I don't believe you."

"Everyone knows it, Lily," Cal sighed impatiently. "Everyone knows what a huge crush he had on you. You just completely blanked him."

"No I didn't," Lily defended. "Stop lying to me!"

"Just give it up, Lily," Cal muttered under his breath. "You've been wasting all this time trying to find out why Ethan killed himself when you were the reason all along. We did tell you to just give it up already but you didn't listen."

"Just shut up!" Lily screamed and turned round, storming straight out of Cal's cubicle.

She could hear a number of people shouting her name as she made her way down the corridor but she didn't listen to any of them. She needed to get away, away from Cal so that she could speak to Connie. Tears streamed down both sides of her face and she could feel her heart beating hard from inside her chest. She hated them. She hated Cal for what he'd said and she hated Ethan for ending his life. She hated Ethan, but she also loved him, and she never even had the chance to tell him.

"Connie!" She yelled, shoving the office door open and bursting straight in.

"Lily," Connie snapped and looked up from her paperwork. "You do not just come barging in here, demanding to see me. And it's Mrs Beauchamp to you, I am your boss." She then noticed Lily's tear stained face. "What's wrong?"

"I did it," Lily cried. "I killed him!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Connie calmed her, walking over and shutting the door. "From the beginning. What's going on?"

"I killed Ethan!" Lily screamed in floods of tears.

"No, no you didn't," Connie calmed her, placing both of her hands on Lily's shoulders. "Ethan killed himself and we both know that, don't we?"

"No." Lily shook her head and gave Connie a slight push. "No! Ethan loved me and I never said anything to him! He killed himself and it's my fucking fault, I caused him to die!"

She began to scream and cry harder, pulling at her hair and hitting her fists against the side of her head. The door opened and Zoe walked in, shocked to see the state that Lily was in. She took a moment to take in the scene, before glancing at the tall blonde trying desperately to calm the junior doctor.

"Get someone from psych down here now!" Connie ordered, when she saw Zoe standing in the doorway. Zoe nodded and rushed back out of the room. "Lily! Lily, stop it! You're only doing yourself damage!" Connie yelled but Lily just screamed, clearly hysterical. She dropped down to the floor, crying and screaming, continuing to hit herself. Connie stepped back and crouched down. "You're really scaring me, Lily. Just calm down, okay? Someone's going to come and help you."

"It's all my fault!" Lily sobbed. "I killed him!"

"No." Connie shook her head. "No you didn't. Come on."

"Cal said I did!" She screamed. "And he's right! Ethan fucking loved me and LOOK where it has got him!" She just screamed randomly and dug her nails into her skin, drawing blood. "It's all my fault!"

The door burst open and Zoe rushed in with some from psych.

"Angie," Connie said, recognising the woman straight away, as she stood up and ran a hand through her hair. "Please just help her."

Angie nodded and knelt down beside Lily, looking up at Connie. "How long has she been like this?"

"Nearly ten minutes," Connie answered. "She...She just freaked out. She keeps saying that she killed him."

Zoe noticed the look on Angie's face and said, "it's a long story."

Angie nodded and grabbed hold of Lily's wrist to stop her from hurting herself. "Okay," she said. "I might need your help in restraining her."

* * *

"Have you heard?" Robyn asked as she rushed up to the reception desk. Louise and Noel were there and Lofty and Rita were both stood going over a set of patients notes. "Lily's had a proper mental breakdown."

"Robyn, don't get involved," Rita told her.

"Really?" Max asked, walking over to the desk.

"Yeah." Robyn nodded. "They've had to call someone from psych down, having to restrain her and everything."

"Yes, but it's not for your entertainment!" Rita snapped. "She's had a serious breakdown that's been bottled up for a while now, and the fact that they have had to restrain her shows just how serious it is. I don't think she'd appreciate us talking about it."

"I never thought Lily would be the one to have a breakdown though," Robyn mentioned.

"It isn't that surprising," Rita sighed. "She's lost someone very close to her to suicide."

"Do you know why she's suddenly flipped?" Louise questioned.

"I think we just need to stop talking about it," Rita said.

"Apparently Cal told her it was her fault that Ethan killed himself," Robyn informed everyone, completely ignoring Rita.

"So it's Cal's fault?" Lofty asked and raises his eyebrows and Robyn nodded.

"Guys, stop!" Rita scolded, just as she spotted Zoe exiting Connie's office. "How is she?" Rita whispered, when Zoe had made her way over to them all.

"Not good," Zoe sighed heavily. "She's a total mess!"

"I'm not surprised," Rita said. "Is it true what Robyn said?"

"What's that?" Zoe asked, glancing across at Robyn.

"That Cal said Lily was the reason for Ethan killing himself," Rita mentioned.

"I...I think so," Zoe said. "I haven't spoken to Cal but that is what Lily's saying. We've restrained her and got her calmed down and right now she's just lying on the floor of the office in tears. She's a complete state, she's drawn blood from her arms, Connie has been in tears."

"Connie?" Robyn asked. "As in Ice Queen Connie?"

"Robyn, work!" Rita snapped, pointing towards a cubicle. "Go!" Robyn faintly nodded and scuttled away to get on with some work. "Sorry," Rita apologised, turning to Zoe. "Is Lily really bad then?" Zoe nodded, running a hand through her hair. "What are we going to do?"

"Connie's keeping her in her office for the rest of the day," Zoe said. "Angie from psych is examining her briefly and when she has calmed down enough, we're going to talk to her. I think we need to talk to Cal as well though. With how she's been lately, he can't go saying that to her. It isn't fair."

"Cal needs help as well," Rita said. "Not just Lily."

"I know," Zoe whispered. "I know. They both need serious counselling. Not just one to one chats with me and Connie."

"Sounds like a good idea," Rita said. "She and Cal will get better, I promise. It's just going to take a lot of time and also a lot of support from us."


	16. Apologise

**Tato Potato: Yes me too :)**

 **Danielle888: I liked that line too :)**

 **Tanith Panic: It is unfair but Cal is also grieving bless him :)**

 **LillyMayFlower: That's quite alright. Lily's breakdown was probably the hardest to write especially as she's such a strong character :)**

 **ETWentHome: It does and they do, they've both lost someone they love :)**

Chapter Sixteen: Apologise

"It's true, isn't it?" Lily whispered, slowly looking up to meet eyes with Connie and Zoe. "Ethan was in love with me. I'm the reason that he killed himself." She blinked a few times and got back to looking at the floor, swinging her legs back and forth.

"No," Connie whispered back, taking Lily's hands in hers. "Ethan did love you but you are not to blame for his death. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Did you know?" Lily asked her softly. "Did you know that he had feelings for me?"

Connie was silent so Zoe spoke up instead. "We all did," she mentioned. "But it was Ethan's thing to tell you. He was severely depressed, Lily. He hid his feelings well so none of us had any idea that he was feeling that low about himself."

"All you need to know is that you didn't kill him," Connie added, gently squeezing Lily's hands. "I promise you."

"But Cal said..."

"We're dealing with Cal," Zoe interrupted her. "Don't you worry."

"And we're getting you and Cal some proper counselling sorted," Connie continued. "Because I think you both need it. You've both lost someone very close to you, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I just miss him," Lily whispered, wiping a tear from her eye.

"I know you do," Connie said sympathetically. "Come on. Give me a cuddle."

Lily nodded her head faintly and stood up before wrapping her arms round Connie's neck. Connie stroked her hair and rubbed small, comforting circles up and down her back whilst Lily just cried into her shoulder.

"Okay?" Connie whispered soothingly in her ear. "We'll get you the help you need. That's a promise."

"You're not going to lock me up, are you?" Lily questioned her quietly.

"Why would we do that?" Zoe put in.

"Because I had a breakdown," Lily said, pulling away from the hug and sitting back down. "You had to call someone from psych down to deal with me."

"That was a one time thing," Connie said. "And we called someone from psych because we weren't sure what you were capable of. You were scaring me, I wasn't sure if you were going to hurt yourself."

"I scared you?" Lily frowned and Connie nodded. "Sorry," she added quietly. "It takes a lot to scare you," she said with a small smile.

"Yes it does," Connie laughed. "It does indeed. It just shows how much I secretly care about you, doesn't it? Now, how about Zoe goes to get Cal and the four of us can sit in here and talk about what we are going to do."

Lily nodded faintly, feeling quite nervous about seeing Cal.

"Come on. I'll sit with you," Connie comforted her, moving to sit next to her whilst Zoe left to go and get Cal. "If there is something that you want or need to tell him, just say it. Don't be scared."

"I just got angry when he told me that," Lily admitted. "When he said that I was to blame."

"Then tell him that," Connie said. "He had no right to say that to you. But remember that he's grieving as well, he probably didn't mean it. We all say things we regret when we're upset or angry."

Zoe then came in, pushing Cal along in a wheelchair.

"Feeling better?" Connie asked and he faintly nodded his head. "Now, I think you and Lily both have a few things to say to each other."

"Sorry," Cal muttered, keeping his head down. "I um...I shouldn't have said what I said. It was uncalled for and I...I'm sorry." He sighed heavily and looked up, making eye contact with Lily.

"I'm sorry too," Lily apologised to him. "I've been really self obsessed lately, determined to find out why Ethan killed himself. I...I didn't realise how bad your alcohol problem was, I should have been there to help you more."

"Zoe and I have been talking," Connie said. "About getting you both some proper, professional counselling. Cal, you need to stop drinking. Drinking that much alcohol daily can be dangerous and it is certainly not the answer to your problems."

"I know," Cal whispered, nodding his head and sniffling.

"And you," Connie said, wrapping an arm round Lily's shoulder. "Need to learn to let things go and not allow things to get to you that much. Stop blaming yourself and stop trying to figure out the cause of Ethan's death. It isn't healthy."

"Okay," Lily replied in a soft voice.

"You also need to be taking better care of yourself," Zoe said. "The amount of times Connie and I have had to prepare breakfast for you is unreal. We can't be making sure that you eat all the time, can we?" Lily shook her head. "It's your job to get out of bed in the morning and make sure that you have some breakfast."

"Proper breakfast as well," Connie added. "Not just a biscuit or a drink. Cook some toast, have a piece of fruit, prepare some cereal. Just make sure you eat something in the morning."

"Got it," Lily answered.

"Good girl," Connie praised, rubbing her back. "You're wasting away." She smiled and ruffled Lily's hair, before turning back to Cal. "And you just need to stop drinking. It's as simple as that. You're going to be having slightly different counselling to Lily. We've found a support group about ten minutes from here. It'll be a small group session for people who have drinking problems. The sessions last about an hour but it'll really help you."

"Will mine be group therapy?" Lily asked.

"No." Connie shook her head. "You'll be having one to one. I'll sort something out for you."

"That's so embarrassing," Cal said. "How the hell am I supposed to talk about my problems in front of a load of other people?"

"They'll all be going through the same thing, Cal," Zoe said. "No one will judge you. It's your chance to bond with a group of people who will understand you."

"Come on," Connie sighed. "Give each other a hug. Then Cal can go back to his room to rest and you can come with me, Lily."

"What about work?" Lily asked.

"I'm not having you working after the breakdown you've had," Connie said. "Come on."

Lily nodded and stood up, walking over and wrapping her arms round Cal. Cal smiled and hugged her back, giving her a small kiss on the cheek as well.

"Good, are we friends again then?" Connie asked and Lily and Cal both nodded. "Wonderful. I'll let you know about your session Cal, okay?" Cal nodded and Zoe wheeled him back out of the office to go back to his room. "Right missy. What shall we do?" Connie asked, pulling Lily onto her lap.

"Can we do anything?" Lily asked, deep in thought.

"Well if it'll make you smile," Connie said. "Sure."

"Can we go out somewhere?" Lily asked, looking to Connie.

"If you really want to," Connie agreed. "But where was it you wanted to go?"

 **I have an idea of where Lily and Connie will be going so stay tuned, you'll soon find out :)**


	17. Let It Go

**Tato Potato: Yeah I like that too :)**

 **ETWentHome: They do and you'll soon find out :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: It is and there is a lot of Connie and Lily in this chapter. Let's see if you guess correctly :)**

 **Tanith Panic: More to come :)**

 **CasualtyFanForever81: Haha :)**

Chapter Seventeen: Let It Go

"Thanks Lily," Luka thanked as Lily handed him a tub of ice-cream. It was his favourite, vanilla with chocolate sauce and rainbow sprinkles.

"You're welcome," Lily said, smiling at him and ruffling his hair. "I did promise you that I'd take you out for ice cream, didn't I?" Luka nodded, spooning up his ice cream with the little plastic spoon and shovelling it into his mouth. "This is Connie by the way," she said, gesturing to the taller woman standing next to her. "She's my boss so we have to be on our best behaviour."

"Nice to meet you, Connie," Luka said politely, his eyes totally fixated on his ice-cream.

"Nice to meet you too," Connie said, having to smile at how mature and polite he was for his age.

"Don't you have work today, Lily?" Luka asked, sitting down on one of the swings in the park to eat his ice-cream.

"Not today," Lily said, licking at her own ice-cream. "I had a pretty bad day so Connie said about going somewhere or doing something so I thought about taking you out for a nice treat."

"That's really nice," Luka said. "We don't do many day trips in the orphanage."

"Well like I said," Lily told him. "I did promise you, didn't I?"

"So, you're Ethan's brother then?" Connie asked and Luka nodded his head, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "What was he like as a brother?"

"Really funny," Luka laughed. "He always told me jokes. He was the best brother in the world. He visited me quite a lot as well. Now Lily's been doing that job."

"She seems to be taking good care of you," Connie remarked and Luka nodded, smiling across at Lily.

"She does," Luka mentioned. "I ran away the other day. Lily found me and convinced me to go back. Will you have to go back to work when we've finished our ice-cream?"

"Yes," Connie replied with a sigh. "Lily just has moments where we need to kind of steer her away from everything to calm down."

"Like anger issues?" Luka asked. "Sophie said I may have a bit of an anger issue."

"Kind of," Connie answered and turned to Lily, giving her arm a gentle nudge. "But we're getting you help for it, aren't we?" Lily nodded, continuing to eat her ice-cream.

"Are you going back to work after dropping me back at home?" Luka asked.

"We will be," Connie said. "But I think there was still one more place that Lily wanted to go to."

* * *

"Luka seems like a really sweet, little boy," Connie said, as she and Lily wialked through the streets. They'd just dropped Luka back at the orphanage after many tears from him of not wanting to go back.

Lily nodded her head. "He is. He's lovely. Ethan and Cal aren't his real brothers though, he's adopted. I'm not sure if he was even that close with Cal."

"And he seems to like you," she said and wrapped her arm round Lily. "Now, are you sure you want to do this?" She asked, as they stopped outside the church. Lily hesitated but took a deep breath and nodded. "Come on. Just tell me whenever you want to leave."

"I will," Lily whispered and pushed open the gate.

She and Connie walked silently through the graveyard. Lily reached across and anxiously squeezed Connie's hand, beginning to feel quite nervous. Connie smiled at her slightly, as they reached Ethan's grave.

"Are you okay?" Connie asked quietly.

"Yeah," Lily replied. She wrapped her arms round Connie's waist and leaned against her as she looked at Ethan's grave.

 **Ethan Hardy**

 **A loving doctor, brother and friend**

 **Gone but never forgotten**

 **December 25th 2014**

Lily sniffed and wiped at her nose with the back of her hand. She couldn't believe that he loved her, that he loved her and she hadn't even realised. Connie rested her chin on the top of her head and held her closely, rubbing small circles up and down her back.

"I miss him," she whispered.

"I know you do," Connie said. "I know. Did you want to say anything to him?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know what to say," she said in a choked up voice.

"Just speak from the heart," Connie said. "Don't be embarrassed."

"I um..." Lily began, her eyes fixated on Ethan's grave. "I really miss you, Ethan. I...I know how much you loved me and I love you as well. I'm sorry that I never told you and I...I'd do anything to have you back."

Connie could feel tears in her eyes as she listened to Lily speak.

"Could we go back to the ED now?" Lily asked her, after speaking. "I um..."

"You don't need to explain yourself," Connie said. "Of course we can go back. Come on."

"Thank you," Lily thanked her. "Bye Ethan," she added quietly under her breath, as they walked away and left the graveyard.

 **That's an extremely short chapter, I'm sorry. I hope you enjoyed it though :)**


	18. Crazy

**CBloom2: Luka doesn't overly get on with Cal but I am planning a chapter with him and Luka :)**

 **Tato Potato: Yeah me too :)**

 **ETWentHome: I thought that was quite a sweet scene :)**

 **Danielle888: Thank you. I love their relationship :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: Thanks for your review. I love the relationship between Lily and Luka :)**

Chapter Eighteen: Crazy

Lily took the urn out of her locker and held it tightly to her chest, running her hands over it. It felt silly but she could smell Ethan's scent, she could hear him talking to her. She kissed the top and sniffed, tears forming in her eyes. She heard footsteps and when she turned round, she saw Cal standing in the doorway.

"I thought we buried his ashes at the cemetery," Cal said.

"We did," Lily whispered. "I just wanted some to keep, so that I had something to remember him by."

"That's sick," Cal spat. "You're keeping some of his ashes in your locker. We should have buried them all, Lily. It's like he isn't together now, his legs and arms could be buried but you have his head."

"Don't talk about him like that! I was told that I could keep some if I wanted to," Lily hissed through gritted teeth. "We didn't need to bury them all."

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Cal yelled. "I have a right to know that you are keeping part of my brother in your fucking locker!"

"Just go away and leave me alone," Lily cried, clutching the urn tighter. "I don't care if it's sick. I love him and I needed something to help me cope. It's like he's with me now, it makes me feel better."

"Give them to me," Cal said. "Give them to me and I'll go and bury them with the rest, like it should be!"

"NO!" Lily screamed. "You're just jealous because you don't have anything of him! It's only because you're always too fucking drunk! I bet Ethan never even liked you anyway, I bet he fucking wished that you weren't his brother!"

"How can you say that?" Cal shouted. "You are sick! You're sick in the head, Lily! At least I could admit I loved him! You were too much of a cold bitch to tell him and now he's dead!"

"Shut up!" Lily shouted back. "You don't know anything! It should have been you! Not my Ethan!"

"Give me the ashes or I swear I will..."

"You'll what?" Lily interrupted.

Connie walked in at that point. "Can we keep our voices down please?" She asked. "I thought you two had apologised to each other."

"That was before I knew that Lily was keeping some of Ethan's ashes in her locker," Cal said angrily. Connie just sighed and rubbed at the back of her neck. "Did you know about this?" Cal asked.

"Maybe." She shrugged her shoulders.

"She's sick," Cal told Connie, pointing a finger at Lily. "She is sick in the head, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Okay, okay," Connie calmed him. "Lily, come with me darling." Lily just held onto the urn tightly though and shook her head, leaning back against the lockers. "Lily, please. I want to help you." Lily muttered something to the urn and Connie bit her lip, looking concerned. "Let's go somewhere quiet. You...You can bring...Ethan."

"You can't be serious!" Cal said.

"Ssshh, Caleb," Connie quietened him. "Don't make things worst."

"That's my brother," Cal hissed.

Connie leaned in and whispered to him, "you said it yourself, she's sick. Look at her. She just wants to be with him."

"Just talk some sense into her!" Cal snapped.

"Let's go, honey," Connie said to Lily. Lily nodded and gripped the urn even tighter but walked out of the room. "We'll talk later, Caleb. Go and get a drink and calm yourself down and by drink, I mean water."

Cal just watched as Connie followed Lily and walked her through the ED.

"What's going on?" Zoe asked, catching sight of them.

"Tell you later," Connie promised and guided Lily into the office. "Take a seat, Lily," she whispered and Lily just sat down slowly, clutching the urn and refusing to let go. "Drink?" Connie asked, rubbing her back but she shook her head. "Do you want me to take that? I can put it on my desk whilst we talk." But Lily just shook her head again. "Are you sure? It looks heavy." Lily ignored her, stroking the urn delicately. "Don't worry about Caleb. He'll come round eventually."

"I'm not worried about Caleb," Lily whispered and looked pointedly at the urn.

"He is in a better place now," Connie said and sat down beside her. "I had a good time with you today. We should do it more often."

"Is he right?" Lily asked quietly, looking Connie in the eyes. "Should the rest of Ethan's ashes be buried?"

"No," Connie sighed. "They don't have to be, not if you don't want them to be. Maybe we should find something else that belonged to Ethan though, something else that you could keep in your locker. I'm not telling you to get rid of the ashes, but maybe you could keep them at home instead of at work."

"I don't have anything else that belonged to Ethan," Connie whispered. "Cal has a box of his things at the flat. I didn't have anything."

"Do you think Cal would let you look through the box?" Connie asked. "If you're hurting, Lily. He understands that you want something to remember him by."

Lily hugged the urn to her chest and hung her head, beginning to sob. Connie smiled sympathetically at her and rubbed her shoulder.

"I'm here for you, sweetheart," Connie comforted her. "I always will be."


	19. Little Things

**Tato Potato: I totally agree :)**

 **LillyMayFlower: I love a good poignant chapter. I always love me a good Connie and Lily relationship :)**

 **ETWentHome: She does need help :)**

 **Tanith Panic: No problem. I like hearing people's views. I'm glad you like it :)**

 **I just want to thank all of my reviewers. I get the same people reviewing every single one of my stories and that means the world to me, knowing that people are following my work. Some fics of mine I like better than others but I will try and update and finish every single one of them :)**

 **This chapter is sad by the way, haha :)**

Chapter Nineteen: Little Things

"Thank you for this, Cal," Connie said, as she and Lily walked through the door of Cal's flat. Cal nodded with a small smile and shut the door behind them. Connie had spoken to him at work that day and made it clear that Lily just wanted something that reminded her of Ethan. She still had the urn of ashes. For now it was at work in her locker but she was going to then take it home and leave it there.

"The box is in Ethan's bedroom," Cal said. "Come on through."

Lily felt quite anxious about walking into Ethan's room. It felt weird, spooky almost. His room was tidy, like it had never been used, except for a cardboard box full of things sitting in the centre of the floor.

"I um...I've already picked out everything that I definitely want to keep," Cal said, perching on the side of Ethan's bed. "So you can go ahead and have a look."

"Go on, Lily," Connie said and gave her an encouraging push.

Lily gulped and pulled down her sleeves, glancing nervously around the room. Cal gave her a reassuring smile and Connie knelt down on the floor beside the box, offering Lily to sit with her. Lily nodded faintly and sat down next to Connie, picking up an old stuffed bear that was sitting in the top.

"Ethan's had that since he was born," Cal said. "He was going to throw it away but then Mum died and he couldn't bring himself to do so."

"Can I see?" Connie asked and Lily silently handed the bear over to her.

"It um...It had a name," Cal chuckled. "Monkey, I think it was called. When Ethan was a child, he got confused between bears and monkeys. It was so funny. He knows the difference now, well, did." He sighed and smiled at the memory.

"What else is in there?" Connie asked, placing the teddy bear on the carpet.

"His football t-shirt," Lily whispered and held it up. It had a number 1 on the front, it was red and Hardy was written along the back. "Didn't you want this?" Lily asked Cal.

"Nah." Cal shook his head. "I've already got some of his clothes, and a jacket that he wore constantly. Besides, I thought you might want that to wear in bed or something. It's really comfortable."

Lily nodded and held the shirt to her face, breathing in Ethan's scent.

"This is a lovely photo of him," Connie said, taking a photo out of the box. It was a picture of Ethan in his scrubs, looking up out of the corner of his eye whilst we read over some patients notes. Lily peered over Connie's shoulder and nodded her head in agreement.

"I took that picture," Cal said. "We were messing about at work one day."

"He looks happy," Lily said, clutching the shirt to her chest, as tears began to form in her eyes.

"He was happy, Lils," Cal said. "It was just his time to move on."

"Cal's right," Connie said, looking at the photo in one hand whilst she stroked the back of Lily's head with the other. "He'd want you to be happy as well, you know?"

"I know," Lily whispered, looking down at the t-shirt. "There's something else in the box," she said, catching a glimpse of something. She put the t-shirt to one side and reached into the cardboard box. She brought out a gold heart-shaped locket with a note attached.

"What's that?" Connie asked.

Lily sniffed as she noticed a small tiny 'L' engraved on the heart. She opened it up to see that it was empty, no photo.

"What's the note say?" Connie asked.

"I um...I don't think you should read that," Cal said, trying to snatch it out of Lily's grasp.

"No. I want to," Lily said, pulling away from him. She ripped the note off of the chain and began to read what it said:

 _Dear Lily_

 _I don't really know what to say. I know you hate your birthday, you always have done so I wanted to get you something to make this year's birthday extra special. I just didn't know what. The truth is, I love you, I always have done. I've asked you out six times this month and you've always said no. You tell me that you're too busy with work. I don't know what that means and whether I'll have the courage to give you this locket, I don't know. I just wanted you to realise how much you mean to me though._

 _Ethan xxx_

"Sorry," Cal apologised. "I...I completely forgot that it was in there."

"Lily," Connie whispered. "Are you okay, darling?"

"No," Lily sobbed and shook her head, her eyes completely fixated on the note. She sniffed and picked up the locket, rolling it over in the palm of her hand. "He...He bought this for me."

"Yeah," Cal sighed. "Last year. He kind of chickened out. I tried to get him to give it to you but I...I guess he was scared. Sorry."

"It's beautiful," Lily whispered.

"You can have it," Cal said. "It is yours anyway. You can have everything in that box if you want. I won't do anything with it."

"That's generous, Cal," Connie said. "Thank you."

"Can you put it on me?" Lily asked, passing the necklace to Connie.

"Of course." Connie smiled and moved Lily's hair out of the way, hanging the locket around her neck and doing up the clasp at the back. "Beautiful. It looks lovely on you, Lily. Ethan has good taste."

"That looks really nice," Cal said, smiling at her.

"Thank you," Lily thanked Cal. "And thanks for letting me look. I think I will take everything if that's okay."

"That's fine," Cal said. "And you're welcome round here whenever you want Lily, if you're upset or want to talk about Ethan. I won't mind."

"I'll keep that in mind," Lily said.

"Come on," Connie said, putting everything back in the box and picking it up for Lily. "Let's get you home. I need to make you some dinner."

"Having dinner made for you, eh?" Cal joked. "Aren't we lucky?"

"Connie just wants to make sure that I eat something," Lily laughed. "That's all."

"Come on," Connie said, ruffling her hair.

"Bye Lily," Cal said. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"Yeah." Lily smiled at him. "You too."


	20. Brothers Under the Sun

**Gillian Kearney Fan: Yeah I hope so and I'm sure she will :)**

 **CBloom2: Yeah I thought that would be cute and you'll find that out in this chapter :)**

 **ETWentHome: It is good :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: I'm glad you liked the chapter. I almost cried whilst writing it :)**

Chapter Twenty: Brothers Under the Sun

Cal sighed as he stopped outside the orphanage. He couldn't quite believe that he was doing this. What was he supposed to say? He gripped the handles of the carrier bag that he was holding and rang the bell, waiting until someone answered.

"Can I help you?" The woman asked.

"Hi I...I'm um...Luka's brother," Cal stammered. "His other brother, Caleb Knight."

"Hold on."

The woman walked off and the door slammed shut again. Cal frowned and chewed on his lip but he stayed where he was. The door then opened again and this time stood in front of him, was Sophie.

"Cal," she said. "I have to say that this is a surprise. I can't remember the last time we saw each other."

"I've been busy," Cal lied. "Is Luka in? I have something for him," he said and held up the carrier bag.

"Come in," Sophie sighed and allowed Cal to enter. "It'll be his choice whether he wants to see you or not. You didn't come round at all after Ethan died, not even to check if the poor lad was okay."

"Sorry," Cal apologised.

"Sophie!" A small voice called and Luka made his way through. "Cal," he said in shock, looking the doctor up and down. "Why are you here?"

"Hey buddy," Cal said and smiled at him.

"I'm not your buddy." Luka frowned and folded his arms. "Go away. I don't want you here."

"I did say," Sophie sighed. "Luka, darling. How about you give Cal a chance, yeah? He says that he has something for you. You can go into the living room and show him your favourite game."

"He stinks of alcohol," Luka mentioned.

Cal raised an eyebrow and bit his lip again, shocked that a seven year old could actually say the word, 'alcohol.'

"How about I sit with you?" Sophie offered and after a moment of hesitation, Luka nodded.

Cal didn't overly want Sophie to sit with them. He wanted to spend some time with Luka on his own but he agreed anyway. Luka sat on the sofa next to Cal whilst Sophie sat in the chair across the way.

"You never come to visit me," Luka told Cal.

"I know," Cal sighed. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't been around much. I should have been, especially after...After what happened with Ethan. I'm going to be around a lot more though, okay? We're brothers. We need each other."

"Is that a promise?" Luka whispered and Cal nodded. "What did you get me?" He asked, looking towards the bag that Cal had placed on the floor.

"These belonged to Ethan when he was a kid," Cal said and pulled out a pair of football boots. "They're quite big for you but you'll grow into them. Lily has the shirt to match, I thought you might like the shoes."

"Ethan hated football," Luka pointed out.

"I know," Cal chuckled. "His dad bought him the shirt and these shoes though, hoping that he'd grow to like it. He never did of course."

"What do you say?" Sophie asked Luka, smiling at how generous Cal had been.

"Thank you," Luka said quietly. "I love them."

"Maybe we can um...Maybe we can play football together sometime," Cal suggested. "Would you like that?" Luka nodded with excitement. "Good boy," Cal praised and ruffled his hair.

"You're really cool, Cal," Luka said. "Do you miss Ethan?"

"Every day of my life," Cal whispered. "He wasn't just my brother. He was my best friend."

"Mine too," Luka whispered. "Do you want to play football with me now, Cal? Please?"

"Sure," Cal laughed and looked up at Sophie. "That's okay, right?"

"Of course," Sophie said with a smile. "You might have to ditch Ethan's football boots though, Luka. They'll be too big for you at the moment."

"Okay," Luka giggled. "I have my Spiderman trainers anyway. They'll do."

Luka grabbed the a football from the games room before going out into the garden with Sophie. Some of the other kids were out there as well but Luka ignored them, staying close to Sophie and his brother.

"Cal!" He yelled and kicked the ball over to him. Cal kicked it back gently. "Go Cal!" He shouted, punching the air playfully.

"He's a good kid," Cal said to Sophie, watching as Luka had a small game of football by himself.

"He is." Sophie nodded in agreement and crossed her arms across her chest. "Maybe this means that you'll visit more often then."

"I'd like to get to know him more," Cal admitted. "He is my brother after-all. I should be there for him."

"Well, it isn't too late to turn over a new leaf," Sophie told him.

"No," Cal said, smiling across at his little brother. "It isn't."


	21. Photograph

**Tanith Panic: Yeah, I thought the story needed a nice gentle touch :)**

 **Tato Potato: Me too :)**

 **CBloom2: Haha we will see :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: Yeah I totally agree with that :)**

Chapter Twenty One: Photograph

"So how have you been?" Megs asked as she and Lily walked through the shopping centre. Lily just shrugged her shoulders, running her hand along a brick wall. She was wearing jeans, a pair of trainers and Ethan's football shirt. The locket was hung round her neck. Megs was in the middle of lighting up a cigarette for herself. "Well that doesn't tell me anything," she joked.

"No, I've been good," Lily laughed. "Loads better actually. I'm not cutting myself as much and I've finally given up on finding out why Ethan killed himself."

"Did you ever find out?" Megs questioned her.

Lily faintly nodded. "Yeah," she whispered. "He...He loved me and I never gave him a chance."

"Do you blame yourself?" Megs asked sympathetically.

"I did," Lily sighed. "But I've come to realise that it wasn't my fault. Ethan had been sad for a long time, we couldn't have stopped it."

Megs smiled and nodded, eyeing Lily up and down. "What are you wearing by the way?" She scoffed, giving a tug on the sleeve of the shirt.

"It was Ethan's," Lily said, turning round so that Megs could read the back.

"Sorry," Megs apologised and chewed on the inside of her lip.

"Don't be," Lily giggled. "It isn't the most stylish but it is comfortable and...Smells of him."

"Yeah," Megs agreed and caught sight of Lily fiddling with the locket. "Have you got a picture inside that yet?" Lily shook her head. "You'll find one. I'll help you if you want."

"Thank you," Lily thanked her friend.

"How's the book going?" Megs asked. "I mean, you told me that you were writing a book about death and I haven't been allowed to read it yet."

"It isn't quite finished yet," Lily said. "You will be able to read it. I promise. You'll just have to wait until it's done."

"I suppose I can wait," Megs said and wrapped an arm round Lily's shoulder. "I love you beautiful girly."

"Love you too bestie," Lily said, hugging her back. "Come on. We're here to shop, right?"

"Of course," Megs said, dragging Lily over to a shop window. "Those boots are so sexy. They'd look great on you." Lily just shrugged her shoulders and looked down at the old trainers that she was wearing. "Let me buy them for you."

"They're fifty pounds," Lily pointed out.

Megs shrugged her shoulders. "Who cares?" She said. "You deserve a treat after what you've been through. Come on."

* * *

"I went and visited Luka," Cal said, as he and Lily sat on a bench outside work. "He's a good kid." Lily smiled and nodded her head. She was wearing Ethan's football t-shirt under her hospital scrubs. "I um...I thought that we could both go and see him at the weekend and take him out somewhere."

"That'd be good," Lily said. "It's nice that you visited him. He needs one of his brothers there."

"Yeah," Cal sighed and looked towards Lily. "Did you find a photo for the locket then?"

"Yeah." Lily nodded, fiddling with the locket that hung round her neck. She opened it up and revealed a small photo of Ethan, smiling at the camera. "Megs helped me look for one," she added and closed it again.

"I like it," Cal said. "It's good to see you happier, Lils."

"You as well," Lily said. "And you don't smell of alcohol which I guess is a good sign."

"I haven't had a drink in a week," Cal said proudly. "And I went to my first support group the other day."

"How did that go?" Lily asked.

Cal shrugged. "It actually went okay," he replied. "I spoke about my problems, met some new people, it was actually better than I expected. When have you got your counselling session?"

"In a few days," Lily told him. "I'm kind of nervous."

"You'll be okay," Cal reassured her.

"Lily!" They heard Connie call and she popped her head round the door. "Come on, darling. Breakfast is in my office."

"I um...I ate this morning," Lily lied to her.

"Nice try," Connie laughed. "Come on, have some breakfast for me and then you can get to work. Okay?" Lily nodded and stood up, following Connie into the ED. Connie smiled when she noticed the heart shaped locket and the football t-shirt underneath her scrubs. She opened the door to the office and led her inside. A bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice were sat on the table.

"What did we say before, hmm?" Connie asked, as they sat down. Lily took a sip of the drink and shrugged her shoulders. "That you need to start looking after yourself and having breakfast before you come to work."

"I struggle to get out of bed," Lily whispered. "So I end up sleeping in and then I don't have time for breakfast."

"Well we need to work on that," Connie said. "I don't mind having it ready for you sometimes but you need to try and eat something before you get here. How are you feeling about counselling?"

"Nervous," Lily said, as she started to eat the cereal.

"It'll be fine," Connie said. "The lady is extremely nice and she specialises in grief counselling. I think you'll get on well with her."

"Maybe," Lily sighed. "Is it okay if I work in here this morning? I...I'll go to cubicles this afternoon or something but this morning I just...I'd rather just work away from people."

"Course you can," Connie said and rubbed her shoulder. "I'll give you some paperwork to do or something."

"Thanks," Lily thanked her and put her spoon down. "Right. I'm done."

"Okay," Connie said. "You stay in here then and I'll go and get some work for you. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah," Lily said with a weak smile. "I'm getting there."


	22. Better Days

**Tato Potato: They do :)**

 **sweeet-as-honey: So glad that you like Megs. It will take time for Lily unfortunately. I like to make my stories realistic :)**

 **ETWentHome: Yeah and me too, Connie and Lily are my favourite characters :)**

 **This chapter is the last chapter, a sort of epilogue :)**

Chapter Twenty Two: Better Days

 ** _December 23rd 2015_**

"It's lovely to see you, Lily," Danielle said as she sat opposite Lily in a small room. There wasn't much in the room, just the two chairs, a table and a bookcase. "Do you want a biscuit?" She asked, offering the plate of cookies to her.

"Thank you," Lily said with a small smile, taking a cookie off of the plate. "I don't usually have appointments on Monday's."

"I know," Danielle sighed. "But Connie wanted me to see you today."

"Why?" Lily shrugged her shoulders, nibbling anxiously on the biscuit.

"It's two days before Christmas," Danielle said. "It's got to be a hard time for you, Lily." Lily shrugged again and didn't say a word. "Come on. I know you must be feeling upset."

"It'll be a year since he died," Lily whispered, blinking back her tears.

"I know," Danielle sighed sympathetically. "Which is why Connie wanted me to see you."

"I...I just don't know how I'm supposed to enjoy Christmas anymore," Lily said. "I can't, not when it's also the anniversary of Ethan's death."

"Ethan wouldn't want you feeling like this though," Danielle said. "He would want you to enjoy the day and be with the people you love."

Lily nodded faintly and finished off the biscuit, wrapping her arms protectively around Ethan's football shirt. Danielle saw that she was trying her hardest not to cry so offered her a tissue.

"Thanks," Lily whispered, dabbing at her eyes. "Sorry. I feel stupid for crying."

"You shouldn't feel stupid," Danielle said. "Not at all. Don't ever feel stupid around me, okay?" Lily nodded. "It will be a hard time of year for you but you need to surround yourself with people. Have you got any plans at all?"

"Me and...Me and Cal, Ethan's brother, were going to visit the grave on Christmas Day and then maybe go to the beach," Lily sobbed out. "He loved the beach."

"That sounds really nice," Danielle said. "You and Cal need each other right now."

"That's what Connie says," Lily giggled, tears streaming down her cheeks. "When Cal and I are arguing and not getting along."

"Connie always know what she's talking about," Danielle said, giving Lily's knee a comforting rub. "Are you going to be okay? You know I'd see you on Christmas Day if I could."

"I don't expect you to," Lily said. "You have your own family."

"My girls would kill me," Danielle laughed. "I know Emily is at the age now where she just wants money and she knows that Santa isn't real but Lauren still believes in him. I need to be there to see her little eyes light up at the presents."

"I understand," Lily said. "I always dreamed of getting married and having kids. Before the man didn't really have a face but then it slowly started to turn into Ethan. I messed that up. I should have just told him how I felt."

"But you didn't mess it up," Danielle said. "You can still have that with someone else. Ethan was severely depressed, Lily. It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah," Lily whispered, fiddling with the hem of Ethan's shirt. "Thanks for seeing me today though, so close to Christmas."

"It's no problem at all," Danielle said. "You have a good one, yeah? You deserve it. I know it's going to be an upsetting day but try and enjoy yourself. If you do need to talk, send me an email. Or talk to Cal, or Connie."

"Connie did say that she'd pop round," Lily said. "Grace is in New York with her dad so she said that she might come and see how I was."

"That'll be nice," Danielle said. "She cares a lot about you, and so do I. You'll be okay, Lily. Next year will be better."

"Will it?" Lily asked.

"Of course," Danielle promised her. "This year's just really bad because it would have been a year since it happened. The first year is always the hardest, trust me. You'll learn to like Christmas again."

"Thanks Danielle," Lily thanked her.

"Go on," she said with a smile and stood up to hug Lily. "I will let you go but remember to email me if you need to, okay? I won't mind."

Lily nodded and hugged her back, before walking out. When she left, she saw Cal standing outside. He was leaning against the wall texting and Luka was stood at his side talking away to him.

"Hey," he greeted, looking up from his phone. "How'd it go?"

"Good," Lily said. She hugged him and then crouched down in front of Luka. "Hey little man. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Luka said, giving her a hug. "Cal said we're going to see Santa."

"Indeed we are," Lily replied and stood up straight. "Do you know where we're going?" She asked Cal.

Cal nodded. "Yeah," he answered. "The grotto is right in the middle of the town centre anyway. You can't miss it. It was a good session then, was it?"

"Yeah," Lily replied. "I mean, Christmas still isn't going to be easy but I have you and Luka and Connie and Danielle. We'll get through it together."

"Course we will," Cal said.

"Come on!" Luka squealed with excitement. "Santa is waiting!"

"Coming!" Cal chuckled and hurried after his little brother, picking him up and swinging him round.

"Careful!" Lily called to him. She shook her head and smiled to herself, looking up at the clouds. "I love you, Ethan," she whispered to him for the first time ever and walked away to begin her new journey.

 **I will be updating Homeless Heart soon. I just had to get this story finished :)**

 **I hope you liked this story. I wasn't sure whether to have Cal and Lily end up together so I kind of left it hanging with them just as friends. You can decide whether they got together or not, haha :)**


	23. Epilogue

**Bettie: Here you go :)**

Ethan couldn't help but feel that he wasn't getting anywhere in life. He sat in his bedroom on the floor, rooting through a cardboard box of his old things. A football t-shirt, a teddy bear, a photo. He sighed heavily and picked up a necklace that sat on the bottom of the box, wishing that he had the courage to ask out the girl he'd only ever truly loved. He sniffed and placed the locket back in the box.

Standing up, he made his way to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He was a mess. He remembered the first day he'd been diagnosed with depression and since then it had been a total secret from the world. He hadn't told anybody, not even his own brother. He gulped and took out a pot of pills from the medicine cabinet. Just one swallow of all the pills and all his feelings would be gone, emptied out of him.

His mobile vibrated.

It was just Lily. Lily, the girl he loved so much that he couldn't even find the courage to ask her out properly. Lily, the girl who made his heart skip a beat whenever she walked past. Lily, the girl who would never ever be good enough for him.

He ignored it and unscrewed the lid. Tears pricked his eyes and he couldn't quite believe what he was doing. It was time though, time to end everything. He tipped his head back and emptied the pills into his mouth, one by one, until the entire pot was empty. His vision was blurry and he was beginning to feel dizzy. No one was home and by the time people would find him, he'd be dead.

He dropped the empty pot and fell to the floor unconscious, his head hitting the wall on his way down. All was silent, apart from Lily's voice playing out on the voice message that she had just left.

 _"Hi Ethan. I've been trying to phone you. I just wondered if you wanted to go for a drink with me some time, just the two of us. Just let me know. I'll be waiting."_


End file.
